10-16-2023, 02:58 AM
In general, a piece must have meaning or lyricism to be successful. In this one, the meaning is 
Therefore, you need lyricism. It doesn't read badly by any means. However, in order to compensate for the nonsense, you need a stronger pulse and more emphasis on sonics, in my opinion.
If it's an ekphrastic piece (written in response to another piece of art), you would be able to post an image with the poem in Misc., but I don't think that mild will allow you to do that.
If it's a dream, you need to flesh out your images before moving on to the next one.
I like a couple of your lines (the balloons rising in autumn -- although, why especially autumn?) and the foreboding of a surgeon's hand or a high noon standoff with twitchy trigger fingers. And I like the gaze between future lovers, but nothing's quite coming together as a cohesive whole. Rhythm and rhyme would help with that.
Some forms like the pantoum, the villanelle, and the sestina lend themselves well to a dreamy kind of feeling because of the repetitions, if that's the effect you're going for.
Even a storyline of sorts would help. A character or narrator moving through a scene would give the reader an anchor point.
Hope this helps,
Lizzie
Therefore, you need lyricism. It doesn't read badly by any means. However, in order to compensate for the nonsense, you need a stronger pulse and more emphasis on sonics, in my opinion.
If it's an ekphrastic piece (written in response to another piece of art), you would be able to post an image with the poem in Misc., but I don't think that mild will allow you to do that.
If it's a dream, you need to flesh out your images before moving on to the next one.
I like a couple of your lines (the balloons rising in autumn -- although, why especially autumn?) and the foreboding of a surgeon's hand or a high noon standoff with twitchy trigger fingers. And I like the gaze between future lovers, but nothing's quite coming together as a cohesive whole. Rhythm and rhyme would help with that.
Some forms like the pantoum, the villanelle, and the sestina lend themselves well to a dreamy kind of feeling because of the repetitions, if that's the effect you're going for.
Even a storyline of sorts would help. A character or narrator moving through a scene would give the reader an anchor point.
Hope this helps,
Lizzie