10-13-2023, 04:49 AM
Fearful Symmetry, Thank you for helpful comments. I used ‘Chinese room’ to give a stronger context for the drawing on display, but others may feel as well that it’s not necessary. Also with regard to the line breaks. (I’m just returning to writing poems after a long hiatus during which I mainly wrote lyrics, which have somewhat different requirements.)
I agree that italics are stylistically more pleasing than quotation marks. I’ve made the change.
I take your point regarding ‘space-time continuum’.
Regarding ‘artefacts’: Both spellings are correct. The British way is with an ‘e’.
Thanks too for your observation about the mood in the last part of the repeated stanza. In fact, I was worried that the word ‘charging’ might have negative connotations although I was aiming for the opposite. Clearly that section needs further attention.
The background story is that my daughter, who was a graphic artist, adored horses. She often sketched or painted them. I’m trying to recapture here what felt like a time-shift moment during a recent visit to the Museum of Ethnology in Leiden. It’s amazing how the mind plays tricks. On first seeing the brush and ink drawing, for a split second, I forgot reality, and then, in the millisecond it took to remember, I was hollowed out all over again.
So in the repeated stanza, my intention was/is to get across a sense of the horse – at least in my imagination – kind of symbolising my daughter, eager to leap towards me and back into life from the prison of the paper. If that makes any sense.
I look forward to others’ input. (Words in blue are changes already made.)
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dukealien, thank you too for your observations and input, which I'll also take into account.
I agree that italics are stylistically more pleasing than quotation marks. I’ve made the change.
I take your point regarding ‘space-time continuum’.
Regarding ‘artefacts’: Both spellings are correct. The British way is with an ‘e’.
Thanks too for your observation about the mood in the last part of the repeated stanza. In fact, I was worried that the word ‘charging’ might have negative connotations although I was aiming for the opposite. Clearly that section needs further attention.
The background story is that my daughter, who was a graphic artist, adored horses. She often sketched or painted them. I’m trying to recapture here what felt like a time-shift moment during a recent visit to the Museum of Ethnology in Leiden. It’s amazing how the mind plays tricks. On first seeing the brush and ink drawing, for a split second, I forgot reality, and then, in the millisecond it took to remember, I was hollowed out all over again.
So in the repeated stanza, my intention was/is to get across a sense of the horse – at least in my imagination – kind of symbolising my daughter, eager to leap towards me and back into life from the prison of the paper. If that makes any sense.
I look forward to others’ input. (Words in blue are changes already made.)
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dukealien, thank you too for your observations and input, which I'll also take into account.
Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.