The Names
#2
(09-08-2023, 06:34 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  The Names

There are names  nice opening that could lead in many directions, draws the reader in
I need to forget.  and then a turn - well done.

I’m teaching myself to isolate good line break - expected "myself" next [which is what's actually happening, but not for the speaker]
them, to detach them 
from their personae,
turn them into artifacts  good potential play on "facts"
I can no longer interpret.  are these names, really, or epithets?

When they appear in my mind  is "my" necessary here?
I discourage their masks 
from taking the stage;  this seems a bit clumsy, if not quite cliche
their enactments are not helpful,  "enactments," too, you mean the parts they play?
they turn into a riddle  "drama," perhaps?
of imagined moments,  better word than "moments," more stagey... scenes? dialogs? monologs?
stories I tell myself 
to reprove the present.  these last two lines are excellent

The present is all there is,  good enough, could maybe be improved
all there will be. These names
obscure and mislead, they
tell me lies I can no longer afford  maybe line break after "afford?"
to believe.  It only remains to be seen  appropriate but unfortunately cliche
which of them will outlive me
which will be waiting for me  "which will await me?"  Just a thought.
on the other side.  pretty sharp turn here.  Bit of a cliche, too... does get the point across, though.
In mild to moderate critique, don't take the above criticisms too much to heart - especially the suggestions.  It actually works pretty well, adding a description of the obfuscations of language to Piet Hein's

I'd like to know
what this whole show
is all about
before it's out.

The idea that *some* of the suspicious names are actually eternal verities is particularly good.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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Messages In This Thread
The Names - by TranquillityBase - 09-08-2023, 06:34 PM
RE: The Names - by dukealien - 09-08-2023, 11:36 PM
RE: The Names - by brynmawr1 - 09-10-2023, 06:09 AM
RE: The Names - by RiverNotch - 09-22-2023, 07:22 PM
RE: The Names - by alonso ramoran - 10-02-2023, 01:31 AM
RE: The Names - by CircleWalker - 11-11-2023, 12:53 PM
RE: The Names - by Tiger the Lion - 11-11-2023, 01:39 PM
RE: The Names - by CircleWalker - 11-13-2023, 02:35 AM
RE: The Names - by Tiger the Lion - 11-13-2023, 02:50 AM
RE: The Names - by TranquillityBase - 11-13-2023, 03:58 AM
RE: The Names - by CircleWalker - 11-13-2023, 04:29 AM
RE: The Names - by busker - 11-11-2023, 05:01 PM



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