Dead Bolt

[Knot]

Hi Lizzie.
Enjoyed, particularly the 'finding my pen' line.


Morning's awaiting the slide and the thunk
of the dead bolt
locking behind you; it listens for chirps
from your car keys,
.......Not that keen on the contraction of 'Morning is' (feels somehow less definite than it should be.)
Also, not really following how morning (I'm assuming that what the 'it' in 'it listens' refers to) listens.


Morning's awaiting the slide
and the thunk of the dead bolt
locking behind you; the chirps
from your car keys, hushing alarms


signals of hushing alarms. In the stillness, the tea pot
whistles then yawns to the clicking of Legos the kids build;
murmuring hums from the dishwasher singing its calm hymn.
Finding my pen like a friend at a party, we talk men—
whispering phrases the kids shouldn't hear till they grow old.
Chatting, erasing, our thoughts can't be bound or be set free.
........... Is there anything more ... interesting than 'stillness'? It seems rather generic in what becomes a very particular scene.
(Agree with bryn about 'yawns'.)
I'd strongly urge the cutting of the final two lines of this verse, it would, I think, be much stronger without them.


In the stillness, the tea pot
whistlesthen sighs/fumes
to the clicking of Legos,
the dishwasher's humming
its hymn to the workaday.
Finding my pen
like a friend at a party,
we talk men—


Footsteps approaching
the patio door give a quick chill:
words back in place, in their books
lest they slip out
and blame me.
....... I don't think 'a quick chill' works that well (nor am I sure what 'patio door' is bringing.)
Would suggest switching 'me' to 'you' in the last line.


Footsteps approaching
a clatter and scramble
of words rushing back
to their books
then closing the covers
before they can slip out
and blame you.




Best, Knot


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