08-18-2023, 07:11 PM
(08-18-2023, 04:23 AM)Bunx Wrote: Us and Them
I.
Being a member of the free market
as a disabled worker
is swimming up stream
than reaching a water fall. then (?)
The first line seems pretty abstract compared to the images that follow. It's hard to come up with any kind of concrete image that encompasses "the free market", so maybe just saying something like "Being disabled in this land".
Climbing the wet cliffs of stigma,
while justifying the climb to everyone.
As if people are waiting for me
to slip and fall.
This is my favorite stanza. I've suggested some cuts to make it more direct.
I've been climbing for ten years now,
I swear I'll stand tall.
Reality puts my delusions to shame
grounded in struggle and pain.
This one starts out good, but then you stop being concrete and I think you lose steam. What is the reality you are referring to and what are the delusions, in concrete words?
II.
It's just so sad to see my peers
on the street, while I know tonight
I'll wrap myself in sheets.
Another very good stanza, very concrete.
My joy, my kindness, my empathy added some commas
is act of resistance. are acts
Telling my friends, your not crazy
they are just afraid.
III.
I'm America you're either
Us or them.
In God we trust,
I hope he makes
us love again.
Hi Bunx,
I think you've got the makings of a good poem here. It seems like a three part poem, the first three stanzas being part 1, stanzas four and five being part 2, and then the last two stanzas being a part 3. Each part has a different emphasis, the first is about you, the second about other people in your situation, and the third is a kind of summing up. You wouldn't necessarily need the numbers I put in. Maybe just an extra space between each set of stanzas would work just as well.
I made a few notes above.
TqB