06-23-2023, 08:58 PM
.
Hi Bunx.
Improvements all round.
It took me a few days to get you're suggestions.
There's no rush.
DAZE
It feels like you've got all (or almost all!) the pieces, but I'm not sure they've been put together in the right order. It's still rather scatter-gun, and might benefit from editing to improve the focus.
Here's a cut and paste suggestion (you'll notice I've cut a fair bit. But pasted a lot too. Deep breath.)
God is good and good is God
they said in a middle-school.
Gods love has no limits ........ God's love
Maybe that is what kept me insane?
When I was young,
I lived a faith based daze
of preachers mumbling
nonsense claiming
to be healers. Curing
cancers, crippled folks
No questions, only tithing
thank you. Corporate
Christianity wrapped up
like a product sold
as redemption fuel. ....... not sure what fuel means in this context.
Kneel to the richest.
Survival of the fittest.
Judeo-Christian justice?
More a gas-lighting anthem.
Does my eternal diagnosis
make me chronically unworthy
of Gods goodness? .......................... God's goodness
When churches peddle miracles.
They enable cycles
of pharmaceutical neglect.
Cures make for bad business;
far better Treatment
with side effects
Accountability be damned,
there are limits, after all.
Here I am jaded blue, thirty-two. ......... like the jade (green) and blue combination.
calling my folks
everyday
tenth year in a row
letting them know
I swallowed my treatment whole.
I really believe
without my parents support.
I'd have wandered, begging
for change, dropped
in a/the? donation jar
I'm so sick
of trusting. Living
to work another day.
God is good they say.
Last week I got a raise.
_____________
END OF
I think this is still a bit overwritten. For my money, the poem is N and their mom. So here's a cut (and no paste) version of just those elements.
Of my mental health advocacy Mom said
"Do your best. Leave the rest To Jesus."
As a schizo-affective ex-Catholic all I heard
was: "Well at least you're healthy."
What I wish she would have said is –
What I didn't hear (was) –
Be true to yourself - day by day.
Be a living witness
to what love can do to a friend
suffering in various shades of blue.
Testify to things proven true.............. second 'true'
Never stop righteously rambling
for those in you're shoes.
Inner trust silences unwanted voices..... this doesn't flow as well as the rest, can you rephrase it?
Live life, listen to your hurting friends.
Advocate to end internal suffering. .... weakest line (for me. Could you simply cut it? You've 'advocate' not long after 'advocacy' and you've 'end' here and in the next line.)
Don't be worried about the end.
You don't need permission from me.
You are able to make the right choices.
________
What I wish she would have said is – Seems to me this is a line/thought you might return to at the end. But that's just me
Best, Knot
.
Hi Bunx.
Improvements all round.
It took me a few days to get you're suggestions.
There's no rush.
DAZE
It feels like you've got all (or almost all!) the pieces, but I'm not sure they've been put together in the right order. It's still rather scatter-gun, and might benefit from editing to improve the focus.
Here's a cut and paste suggestion (you'll notice I've cut a fair bit. But pasted a lot too. Deep breath.)
God is good and good is God
they said in a middle-school.
Gods love has no limits ........ God's love
Maybe that is what kept me insane?
When I was young,
I lived a faith based daze
of preachers mumbling
nonsense claiming
to be healers. Curing
cancers, crippled folks
No questions, only tithing
thank you. Corporate
Christianity wrapped up
like a product sold
as redemption fuel. ....... not sure what fuel means in this context.
Kneel to the richest.
Survival of the fittest.
Judeo-Christian justice?
More a gas-lighting anthem.
Does my eternal diagnosis
make me chronically unworthy
of Gods goodness? .......................... God's goodness
When churches peddle miracles.
They enable cycles
of pharmaceutical neglect.
Cures make for bad business;
far better Treatment
with side effects
Accountability be damned,
there are limits, after all.
Here I am jaded blue, thirty-two. ......... like the jade (green) and blue combination.
calling my folks
everyday
tenth year in a row
letting them know
I swallowed my treatment whole.
I really believe
without my parents support.
I'd have wandered, begging
for change, dropped
in a/the? donation jar
I'm so sick
of trusting. Living
to work another day.
God is good they say.
Last week I got a raise.
_____________
END OF
I think this is still a bit overwritten. For my money, the poem is N and their mom. So here's a cut (and no paste) version of just those elements.
Of my mental health advocacy Mom said
"Do your best. Leave the rest To Jesus."
As a schizo-affective ex-Catholic all I heard
was: "Well at least you're healthy."
What I wish she would have said is –
What I didn't hear (was) –
Be true to yourself - day by day.
Be a living witness
to what love can do to a friend
suffering in various shades of blue.
Testify to things proven true.............. second 'true'
Never stop righteously rambling
for those in you're shoes.
Inner trust silences unwanted voices..... this doesn't flow as well as the rest, can you rephrase it?
Live life, listen to your hurting friends.
Advocate to end internal suffering. .... weakest line (for me. Could you simply cut it? You've 'advocate' not long after 'advocacy' and you've 'end' here and in the next line.)
Don't be worried about the end.
You don't need permission from me.
You are able to make the right choices.
________
What I wish she would have said is – Seems to me this is a line/thought you might return to at the end. But that's just me
Best, Knot
.