Daze of Divinity // End of Daze

[Knot]

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Hi Bunx.

Daze of Divinity.

It's lacking a (clearer) narrative thread, for me. I can't quite make/follow the leap from 'faith healers' to capitalists/big pharma. Not saying it isn't there, but that you might make it a bit stronger.

Still don't know that 'knell to the richest' means

Maybe that is what made me sick? .......... feels like this line should be nearer the start, or it's the one you end on.

I'm sick of trusting
Living to work another day.
Last week I got a raise,
God is good they say ............................. I think this may be part of this poem, not EoD.

END OF DAZE ...................... I think it's stronger for the revision. Some way to go, mind, but devinitely an improvement.

"Do your best.
Leave the rest
To Jesus."
Mom said

of my mental health

advocacy.

Let go and let God

is the policy

of the privileged.

As an ex-Catholic

schizoaffective.
all I heard was
"Well at least you're healthy

forget your peers." ................. I don't reallyunderstand the 'peers' significance. And, if you italacise 'you're' then I think you can cut this line.

I remember seventeen ... I think you need something specific here. Might be a bit to 'artificial' but it would be interesting if the piece began with something that showed N's age now. Their birthday or somesuch.)

walls crumbling
at a reservation church.
Asking, hoping

begging, praying: ................... Is there something a bit more evocative/descriptive than this list?

"Please, can I stop

taking these pills.

Makes me numb."

What I wish she would have said is; .....I'm not sure it matters but I am a bit curious as to how you get from the 'young adult' you to this place. Is it the result of whatever is involved in your 'mental health advocacy'?

Be true to yourself - day by day.
Never stop righteously rambling
for those you love.

Be a living witness.
To what love can do to a friend
suffering in various shades of blue.

Testify to things proven true.
Inner trust silences unwanted voices.
You are able to make the right choices.
Live life to love listen to your hurting friends...... I'm not going to make any suggestions here (yet) but I do want to point out that it reads as rather repetitive. You use 'love' three times (and I think you might mean different things in each instance, but I'm not sure.)

Don't be worried about the end.
You don't need permission from me. ........ I don't know what this line is concluding (where's the antecedent thought in the poem?)

Best, Knot

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