06-01-2023, 06:44 AM
Oh thank you B!
I didn't like the flow of the "rearranging" line so that's a simple and elegant solution. Additionally, you've given me some ideas for how to make some concepts clearer. I'm going to rework it.
Thanks for the feedback!
Val
[
quote="brynmawr1" pid='264328' dateline='1685538305']
I really like the rhythm and rhyme of this piece and the way you imbed an important topic within the lighter tone. I always think the contrast of something serious wrapped in humor is very effective. There were a few spots that didn't work for me noted above, but overall, nice work.
Take care,
Bryn
[/quote]
I didn't like the flow of the "rearranging" line so that's a simple and elegant solution. Additionally, you've given me some ideas for how to make some concepts clearer. I'm going to rework it.
Thanks for the feedback!
Val
[
quote="brynmawr1" pid='264328' dateline='1685538305']
(05-31-2023, 09:25 AM)Valerie Please Wrote: Pom-pom purple chiffonHi VP,
Sauconys on
and her color-pop satin sports top.
Wham bam pounding foot slam
waving asphalt land lost me on this line
at the corner he arrives and stops.
“Pardon me ma’am”
says Mr Pickup Man,
interpreted into a blare. this line also confuses me
He uses his horn
cheering sidewalk porn not sure 'cheering' is the right word
“Could I rape you with my stare?” "May I..."?
“That’s ok no thanks” This line could be stronger
Escapes with grace,
imagines how to rearrange his face, rearranging?
feeds the pace,
with the pom-pom going to prom
purple Sauconys on.
I really like the rhythm and rhyme of this piece and the way you imbed an important topic within the lighter tone. I always think the contrast of something serious wrapped in humor is very effective. There were a few spots that didn't work for me noted above, but overall, nice work.
Take care,
Bryn
[/quote]