Senecio's Lament

[TranquillityBase]

Hi Tim-
Interesting piece.

Senecio’s Lament

Lust dragged down to memory,
a moon cratered by the impact maybe a simile ('like a moon', instead of the metaphor)
of so many succubi.

In the war of sex, I sought out Lilith,
rebel, demon, banished from Eden,
or one of her daughters, whose bodies
still illuminate my dreams with aching light,
make my sleep a wave of tremors.  'tremors' doesn't seem to be the right word

I wait to be swallowed up.  maybe 'hope to be swallowed whole' 

Then I wake
watching those sex-holy demons fading  maybe ' as those sex-holy demons fade'
into an old man’s secret morning.  maybe 'empty' instead of 'secret'

Being of a certain age, I know exactly what this poem is reaching for.  A little more tightening and you'll have it down.
...Mark

Thanks Mark,

Made some of your changes outright, kept "I wait to be swallowed up" and maybe the line change previous makes it OK.  As to "empty" vs "secrets", well, I still have a few good secrets that mellow the emptiness.  Don't want to engage in that deep a pathos.

Tim