02-18-2023, 09:30 PM
Hi Tim-
Interesting piece.
Senecio’s Lament
Lust dragged down to memory,
a moon cratered by the impact maybe a simile ('like a moon', instead of the metaphor)
of so many succubi.
In the war of sex, I sought out Lilith,
rebel, demon, banished from Eden,
or one of her daughters, whose bodies
still illuminate my dreams with aching light,
make my sleep a wave of tremors. 'tremors' doesn't seem to be the right word
I wait to be swallowed up. maybe 'hope to be swallowed whole'
Then I wake
watching those sex-holy demons fading maybe ' as those sex-holy demons fade'
into an old man’s secret morning. maybe 'empty' instead of 'secret'
Being of a certain age, I know exactly what this poem is reaching for. A little more tightening and you'll have it down.
...Mark
Interesting piece.
Senecio’s Lament
Lust dragged down to memory,
a moon cratered by the impact maybe a simile ('like a moon', instead of the metaphor)
of so many succubi.
In the war of sex, I sought out Lilith,
rebel, demon, banished from Eden,
or one of her daughters, whose bodies
still illuminate my dreams with aching light,
make my sleep a wave of tremors. 'tremors' doesn't seem to be the right word
I wait to be swallowed up. maybe 'hope to be swallowed whole'
Then I wake
watching those sex-holy demons fading maybe ' as those sex-holy demons fade'
into an old man’s secret morning. maybe 'empty' instead of 'secret'
Being of a certain age, I know exactly what this poem is reaching for. A little more tightening and you'll have it down.
...Mark