Homo naledi

[TranquillityBase]

I wonder why this is in 'Basic'. The poem itself is anything but.
'This poem is a great example of showing, not telling.
The following are particularly evocative:

'original dark'
'predators....listen at the entrance'
'shadows.....cave walls'
'prehensile laughter'

the last two lines are extraordinary

Thanks Busker.  It's odd, I really didn't think this was that good.  I guess we are not the best critic of our own writing.

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Accidental creatures          Don't like this as not biologically accurate but see where you were going. Curious?  why not?
crawling deep into caves
to return their dead 
by flickering firelight     in?  yes
to the original dark.     Nice opening stanza

Brains the size of oranges
they chitter and claw
feasting on antelope.
Predators cannot follow
but listen at the entrance

and drift away in boredom       Don't like boredom either.  maybe...'eventually drift away' but that's boring too.  'then drift away'. boredom now has two strikes....I'll have to revisit
hungry for bigger prey.
Humanity’s lost children      Like these three lines
watching their shadows
play on the cave walls    consider keeping for rhythm

their prehensile laughter        
does not wake their dead
they expect no God,    hope for? wait for?  I like wait for
no Savior, only sunrise.

Hi TqB
Really enjoyed this.  I like your historical poems and how you take a few historical facts and create a narrative around them.  Made some half hearted suggestions above.  Especially liked the ending.  My one final thought would be to make a new stanza by splitting S2 and S3 to combine the predator parts.
take care,
bryn

Thanks for the read.  Up next, a poem about Trotsky (well, maybe..._

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Hi Tim-
I have pondered the subject of your poem many times.

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ps. Yours is an outstanding poem, as is. I will admit that I have stolen your idea, and much appreciate the inspiration. Please sue me if you ever see it published, though this turnip is already about bled out...  I wouldn't steal it if I didn't love it. It will reside in my personal collection.

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Hello again Tim -

Accidental creatures  not sure this line woks    it's a favorite, because it is the firstborn
crawling deep into caves maybe past tense would work better, throughout      hmmmm...I'll ponder on that.  Kinda sweet on present tense.
to return their dead
by flickering firelight
to the original dark. love the phrase "original dark"

Brains the size of oranges blah    blah as in yuck?
they chitter and claw ok    i might agree on claw, but really like chitter
feasting on antelope.
Predators cannot follow
but listen at the entrance yes- the listening works really well...

and drift away in boredom ... but "in boredom" not so much   two strikes against boredom (u & Bryn)
hungry for bigger prey. I don't hink you need this line    by george (who was George anway?) i think you're right
Humanity’s lost children cool observation, yet "lost children" isn't working for me (at least)  my least favorite line
watching their shadows of course, just as suggested by Plato (who probably did some shadow watching, as well)
play on the cave walls

their prehensile laughter  Had to look up "prehensile" and it's a great word choice
does not wake their dead  unsure of this line, because the dead cannot be awakened   does not forget?
they expect no God,
no Savior, only sunrise. These last two lines are worth the price of admission

Really, really good effort, Tim.  I said I stole the premise of this poem and I'll post a version that it inspired in me, in MISC, with a nod to you, of course.
Thanks for this one Tim.  It really made me think.
Mark

Thanks for the read.  And the notes.  And for being around.