12-12-2022, 05:33 AM
Hi Tim-
I have pondered the subject of your poem many times.
ps. Yours is an outstanding poem, as is. I will admit that I have stolen your idea, and much appreciate the inspiration. Please sue me if you ever see it published, though this turnip is already about bled out... I wouldn't steal it if I didn't love it. It will reside in my personal collection.
Hello again Tim -
Accidental creatures not sure this line woks
crawling deep into caves maybe past tense would work better, throughout
to return their dead
by flickering firelight
to the original dark. love the phrase "original dark"
Brains the size of oranges blah
they chitter and claw ok
feasting on antelope.
Predators cannot follow
but listen at the entrance yes- the listening works really well...
and drift away in boredom ... but "in boredom" not so much
hungry for bigger prey. I don't hink you need this line
Humanity’s lost children cool observation, yet "lost children" isn't working for me (at least)
watching their shadows of course, just as suggested by Plato (who probably did some shadow watching, as well)
play on the cave walls
their prehensile laughter Had to look up "prehensile" and it's a great word choice
does not wake their dead unsure of this line, because the dead cannot be awakened
they expect no God,
no Savior, only sunrise. These last two lines are worth the price of admission
Really, really good effort, Tim. I said I stole the premise of this poem and I'll post a version that it inspired in me, in MISC, with a nod to you, of course.
Thanks for this one Tim. It really made me think.
Mark
I have pondered the subject of your poem many times.
ps. Yours is an outstanding poem, as is. I will admit that I have stolen your idea, and much appreciate the inspiration. Please sue me if you ever see it published, though this turnip is already about bled out... I wouldn't steal it if I didn't love it. It will reside in my personal collection.
Hello again Tim -
Accidental creatures not sure this line woks
crawling deep into caves maybe past tense would work better, throughout
to return their dead
by flickering firelight
to the original dark. love the phrase "original dark"
Brains the size of oranges blah
they chitter and claw ok
feasting on antelope.
Predators cannot follow
but listen at the entrance yes- the listening works really well...
and drift away in boredom ... but "in boredom" not so much
hungry for bigger prey. I don't hink you need this line
Humanity’s lost children cool observation, yet "lost children" isn't working for me (at least)
watching their shadows of course, just as suggested by Plato (who probably did some shadow watching, as well)
play on the cave walls
their prehensile laughter Had to look up "prehensile" and it's a great word choice
does not wake their dead unsure of this line, because the dead cannot be awakened
they expect no God,
no Savior, only sunrise. These last two lines are worth the price of admission
Really, really good effort, Tim. I said I stole the premise of this poem and I'll post a version that it inspired in me, in MISC, with a nod to you, of course.
Thanks for this one Tim. It really made me think.
Mark