11-23-2022, 09:33 AM
Hello vin-
Some in-line edits below:
We sleep with our heads
turned away from each other,
mine facing the window
steeped in grey winter sky-
his immersed in the window
of opportunities
unraveling on his phone-
tabs slicing into new tabs
of stocks, jobs, and real estate
clutter his phone with dizzying speed,
unmoored,
like the thought ribbons in my head.
Every few minutes
this silence is ruptured
by an excited realization,
or a scornful comment-
some sign of care,
or concern. And I offer him a nod
as a sign of my presence,
my existence.
Very much enjoy the sentiment in your poem. I think you could tighten it down a bit to add more punch. Moving it to "MILD" would allow for deeper critique, as this one is already a bump above "BASIC".
Mark
Some in-line edits below:
We sleep with our heads
turned away from each other,
mine facing the window
steeped in grey winter sky-
his immersed in the window
of opportunities
unraveling on his phone-
tabs slicing into new tabs
of stocks, jobs, and real estate
clutter his phone with dizzying speed,
unmoored,
like the thought ribbons in my head.
Every few minutes
this silence is ruptured
by an excited realization,
or a scornful comment-
some sign of care,
or concern. And I offer him a nod
as a sign of my presence,
my existence.
Very much enjoy the sentiment in your poem. I think you could tighten it down a bit to add more punch. Moving it to "MILD" would allow for deeper critique, as this one is already a bump above "BASIC".
Mark