09-14-2022, 09:41 PM
Hello duke-
You know me- edit, edit, edit.
The interplay between N and the dying person could be brought into stronger relief by losing the formal structure and going with a more fragmented piece, while retaining the immediacy. Several times I've struggled with how to relate this type of experience, yet find few words that fit together to describe it.
I certainly relate to the sentiment you express, yet feel distance created by the form, when the reality is much closer. (I hope that makes sense). For me, it's like trying to describe a fire I can't put out (or may not even want to), while standing there helplessly with a cup of water, except that the fire is internal, defying description.
N's observations are the only thing that can be realistically related, since it's nearly impossible to reliably write from the point of view of the dying. Even when a dying person is still somewhat coherent, it's extremely difficult to place their spoken thoughts within living reality. Harder still to accurately interpret their body language.
All that said, best of luck with this one- it's a very, very difficult experience to convey. I'd focus on N's observation of body language, and the setting (but it's not my poem, and I have yet to come close).
I'd build around these fragments :
to drift unpeacefully
not recognizing
memory has fled
nearly dead
chasing thoughts
mind is lost
failing frame
fearful eyes
as she dies.
You know me- edit, edit, edit.
The interplay between N and the dying person could be brought into stronger relief by losing the formal structure and going with a more fragmented piece, while retaining the immediacy. Several times I've struggled with how to relate this type of experience, yet find few words that fit together to describe it.
I certainly relate to the sentiment you express, yet feel distance created by the form, when the reality is much closer. (I hope that makes sense). For me, it's like trying to describe a fire I can't put out (or may not even want to), while standing there helplessly with a cup of water, except that the fire is internal, defying description.
N's observations are the only thing that can be realistically related, since it's nearly impossible to reliably write from the point of view of the dying. Even when a dying person is still somewhat coherent, it's extremely difficult to place their spoken thoughts within living reality. Harder still to accurately interpret their body language.
All that said, best of luck with this one- it's a very, very difficult experience to convey. I'd focus on N's observation of body language, and the setting (but it's not my poem, and I have yet to come close).
I'd build around these fragments :
to drift unpeacefully
not recognizing
memory has fled
nearly dead
chasing thoughts
mind is lost
failing frame
fearful eyes
as she dies.