09-14-2022, 07:57 AM
edit2;
What must it be to drift unpeacefully,
not recognizing nurse or child or bed–
while soul churns after memory has fled–
to see and search and veer meaninglessly
trapped in a breathing body, nearly dead?
Vain steeplechasing thoughts find neither name
nor reason, none to help or even blame,
forgetting words those gathered used or said.
Yet, though the mind is lost, it feels the same
emotion from its living body - fear
of all its tissues touch and see and hear
bereft of sense within its failing frame.
Someone will need to close those fearful eyes
and wonder if she’ll panic as she dies.
Sincere thanks to all critics, including the more recent. This is as difficult to edit as it was easy to write initially!
@brynmawr1 - You are probably right, that it would be best to lose the form and go to blank or free verse to maximize impact and communication. On the other hand, I find that wrestling with forms can force unexpected directions while trying to pin the theme down. If you would like to try expressing your own thoughts and emotions on this subject that way, give it a shot! I'll consider a separate poem along those lines, too.
@TranquilityBase - as you can see, I took quite a lot of your advice (I split the tenses, I think, properly instead of trying to drag the second quatrain entirely into the present.) "[T]issues" may still not be the right word.
What must it be to drift unpeacefully,
not recognizing nurse or child or bed–
while soul churns after memory has fled–
to see and search and veer meaninglessly
trapped in a breathing body, nearly dead?
Vain steeplechasing thoughts find neither name
nor reason, none to help or even blame,
forgetting words those gathered used or said.
Yet, though the mind is lost, it feels the same
emotion from its living body - fear
of all its tissues touch and see and hear
bereft of sense within its failing frame.
Someone will need to close those fearful eyes
and wonder if she’ll panic as she dies.
Sincere thanks to all critics, including the more recent. This is as difficult to edit as it was easy to write initially!
@brynmawr1 - You are probably right, that it would be best to lose the form and go to blank or free verse to maximize impact and communication. On the other hand, I find that wrestling with forms can force unexpected directions while trying to pin the theme down. If you would like to try expressing your own thoughts and emotions on this subject that way, give it a shot! I'll consider a separate poem along those lines, too.
@TranquilityBase - as you can see, I took quite a lot of your advice (I split the tenses, I think, properly instead of trying to drag the second quatrain entirely into the present.) "[T]issues" may still not be the right word.
Non-practicing atheist