09-08-2022, 05:10 AM
Hi busker-
Your poem is an interesting observation of friendship. Some in-line comments, below:
My friend, your face
My friend, your face
grows dearer the farther
you are from me. Just suggesting an internal rhyme
Awash in the sea Perhaps "lost at sea" or something like that to suggest loss
are all our days
together
for futurity, I find this phrase distracting
yet The thought of your eyes
fills me with gladness,
and the garden of youth
still grows memories
of the things that you were,
whatever you be. Hmmm ?? This ending needs work. Finding a 'natural' rhyme with 'memories' will help it pop. I have asn ending in mind, but it's not my poem.
Keeping this one compact can work if the language is tightened.
Your poem is an interesting observation of friendship. Some in-line comments, below:
My friend, your face
My friend, your face
grows dearer the farther
you are from me. Just suggesting an internal rhyme
Awash in the sea Perhaps "lost at sea" or something like that to suggest loss
are all our days
together
for futurity, I find this phrase distracting
yet The thought of your eyes
fills me with gladness,
and the garden of youth
still grows memories
of the things that you were,
whatever you be. Hmmm ?? This ending needs work. Finding a 'natural' rhyme with 'memories' will help it pop. I have asn ending in mind, but it's not my poem.
Keeping this one compact can work if the language is tightened.