Last Life in Death (RETRO) - edit 2

[brynmawr1]

Hi Duke,
Your edits are transformative.  This is an amazing piece.  Though there are always edits.

edit;


What must it be to drift unpeacefully
while recognizing not nurse nor child nor bed;
for soul to churn when memory has fled,         your    think semi-colon here or period
to see and search and veer meaninglessly-  beautiful line great rhythm, not sure about dash, comma might do
trapped in a breathing body, nearly dead?      this is it, right?
Vain steeplechasing thoughts found neither name   A vain steeple chase; thoughts finding...
nor definition when strange visions came,          come
unhelped by words those gathered, wrote or said.
Yet, though the mind is lost, it feels the same  nice break here
emotion from its living body, only fear   your,           semi-colon or period here
of all its organs, touch and see and hear   your
bereft of sense within its failing frame.  gone from your, very nice
Someone will need to close your fearful eyes  Will someone, maybe?
and wonder if she’ll panic as she dies.    you'll, you die   heart breaking, but honest as it gets.

I know you had meter constraints, but I think the poem's needs out way the form.  I made it more personal and immediate as hard as that is.  My mother passed from Parkinson's and dementia in early April.  This is the poem.
Thanks,
bryn