The Fear is in the Risk (Retro)

[brynmawr1]

All right.....I'll hop on the Retro Train. This one is from an ancient NaPM thread.
It's prosaic in every way, but may contain a nugget worth keeping. Fingers crossed.


The Fear is in the Risk

The fear is in the risk
of laying awake at night for poetry –
staying at home for it,
slowly steeping yourself.

But you've married it:
let it penetrate, imprint itself onto you,           maybe bring in DNA in this line or a virus infecting
transform you into someone who sees
letters in the trees, dashes in the sand.            you have an opportunity here to be more visual (I can't think of any examples right now, but you can!)

Half your social circle is long dead,
and the living don't care for your stories,       you've already reworked this stanza and I like the changes
as if you're the last member
of your family to die.

Living poets are unknown –
might as well be Templar knights,
no one thinks they exist anymore.             I feel like these first three lines could be two or one as they really say the same thing
You dare not let slip and say, “I'm a poet,”
or even the lesser but more accurate, “I write poetry,”      the cut words feel implied
for that's like saying, “I'm a Dodo bird.”

They'll look at you like you've just donned
a powdered wig and a parasol,
like you're too pretentious to eat BBQ      Also my favorite line   consider cutting  underlined parts
in their backyard, too morose
to laugh at their jokes.

Best not to tell people about writing poetry.
Treat it like a childhood lie                       not sure "lie" is the right word, "secret"? or something more sinister
you can't ever reveal/ lest people know    consider line break at reveal
you're fundamentally unlike them.

When people ask, “What are your hobbies,    asked
what did you do this weekend?”
disclose a fetish instead!
Say to them, “I'm trying to learn how         Never thought to try this.  Guess I'll stick with poetry
to pee into my mouth.”
Because, unlike reading
or writing poetry,
they've actually tried that.             I like the ending though I try not to think too much about what people do in private!

HI Lizzie,
I like your "retro" poem.  I can relate very much.  Just yesterday, my wife and I were in a book store and she caught me staring at nothing.  "Writing poetry?" she asked.  Yep!  As promised, I made some comments above.  Take with reservation as I am no expert!

One issue that I argued with myself about reading the poem is the overall style.  It is written in what I consider a fairly narrative style as you noted.  A few of my suggestions are towards a less narrative style(underlined parts), so disregard if they mess with your vision.  I will leave the punctuation to you.

I like the humor in your poems.  Very enjoyable.
Take care,
bryn