The Fear is in the Risk (Retro)

[Tiger the Lion]

All right.....I'll hop on the Retro Train. This one is from an ancient NaPM thread.
It's prosaic in every way, but may contain a nugget worth keeping. Fingers crossed.


The Fear is in the Risk

The fear is in the risk
of laying awake at night for poetry –
staying at home for it, could probably strike "at"
slowly steeping yourself.

But you've married it: colon may be too much here. lines below don't require it. A comma would probably do.
let it penetrate, imprint itself, onto you,
transform you into someone who sees
letters in the trees, dashes in the sand. "dashes" reads a little weak here. Lots of options available.

Half your social circle is long dead, don't need this comma
and the living don't care for your stories, if you make this a semicolon and strike "as if", you have a more immediate metaphor rather than the passive simile - hope I explained that ok
as if you're the last member
of your family to die.

Living poets are unknown –
might as well be Templar knights,
no one thinks they exist anymore.
You dare not slip and say, “I'm a poet,”
or even the lesser but more accurate, “I write poetry,”
for that's like saying, “I'm a Dodo bird.”

They'll look at you like you've just donned
a powdered wig and a parasol,
like you're too pretentious to eat BBQ love this line. as if a BBQ is where the lines are drawn
in their backyard, too morose
to laugh at their jokes.

Best not to tell people about writing poetry.
Treat it like a childhood lie
you can't ever reveal lest people know
you're fundamentally unlike them.

When people ask, “What are your hobbies,
what did you do this weekend?”
disclose a fetish instead! think you might embellish a little on fetish. "disclose some loathsome fetish" or the like
Say to them, “I'm trying to learn how
to pee into my mouth.”
Because, unlike reading
or writing poetry,
they've actually tried that.

Mostly enjoyed the piece, Lizzie. Some little punctuation tweaks I stewed over but your social circle would never have noticed. I haven't yet resolved how I feel about Strophes 4 and 5. I almost wanted the poem to end after the 3rd strophe. I'll take a closer look at the 2nd half on another read.
Good to see you around.