09-05-2022, 12:34 AM
Last Life in Death (RETRO)
What must it be to die unpeacefully, -- I like "unpeacefully." It's a nod to the propensity of great poets to make up their own words and combinations as they see fit. It comes across as confident, which is perfect for an opening line. Perhaps, think of other ways to say "die," since you use die/death 4 times if you include the title, and it's not that long of a piece. In this line, you might use "cease" for the sonics.
not recognizing nurse or child or bed– agree with Tiger here that it should be nor/nor
for mind to live when memory has fled, -- underscores the helplessness element. There's an opportunity here to add an image of where the memory went.
to see and move and think meaninglessly -- looks like there is an extra space after "think"
trapped in a body, whole though nearly dead, -- I want to see "whole" set off here from the rest. Perhaps something like: "trapped in a body -- whole, though nearly dead."
thoughts racing courses without knowing what -- "what" is not a particularly strong word to end a line
each thing perceived is called not having got -- "got a clue" is too colloquial here, especially with the formality of the tone at the beginning. I also think there needs to be some break between "called" and "not," if only a comma.
a clue from what those gathered say or said? -- I'd think of some way to break up the previous lines with at least one stop. It's a bit too long as one sentence.
Yet though the mind is lost it still has brought -- this needs two commas to set off the phrase, "though the mind is lost"
emotion from its living body - fear
of all its organs feel and see and hear
but cannot name in helpless, lonely thought. -- you also have "thoughts" in line 6. Also, you've implied helplessness and loneliness, so I'm not convinced that you need to state it.
Someone will have to close your frightened eyes -- perhaps "frightened" or "panic" needs to change. It's redundant to have both.
and wonder if she’ll panic as she dies. -- pulling back the frame here to include the experience of others around the dying person is a nice, subtle shift. Strong ending.
I think it's going to be a strong piece. Overall, it could use more showing and not telling. It definitely reads as a kind of love poem, which is perfect for the form. Well done, and good luck with your edits.
Lizzie
What must it be to die unpeacefully, -- I like "unpeacefully." It's a nod to the propensity of great poets to make up their own words and combinations as they see fit. It comes across as confident, which is perfect for an opening line. Perhaps, think of other ways to say "die," since you use die/death 4 times if you include the title, and it's not that long of a piece. In this line, you might use "cease" for the sonics.
not recognizing nurse or child or bed– agree with Tiger here that it should be nor/nor
for mind to live when memory has fled, -- underscores the helplessness element. There's an opportunity here to add an image of where the memory went.
to see and move and think meaninglessly -- looks like there is an extra space after "think"
trapped in a body, whole though nearly dead, -- I want to see "whole" set off here from the rest. Perhaps something like: "trapped in a body -- whole, though nearly dead."
thoughts racing courses without knowing what -- "what" is not a particularly strong word to end a line
each thing perceived is called not having got -- "got a clue" is too colloquial here, especially with the formality of the tone at the beginning. I also think there needs to be some break between "called" and "not," if only a comma.
a clue from what those gathered say or said? -- I'd think of some way to break up the previous lines with at least one stop. It's a bit too long as one sentence.
Yet though the mind is lost it still has brought -- this needs two commas to set off the phrase, "though the mind is lost"
emotion from its living body - fear
of all its organs feel and see and hear
but cannot name in helpless, lonely thought. -- you also have "thoughts" in line 6. Also, you've implied helplessness and loneliness, so I'm not convinced that you need to state it.
Someone will have to close your frightened eyes -- perhaps "frightened" or "panic" needs to change. It's redundant to have both.
and wonder if she’ll panic as she dies. -- pulling back the frame here to include the experience of others around the dying person is a nice, subtle shift. Strong ending.
I think it's going to be a strong piece. Overall, it could use more showing and not telling. It definitely reads as a kind of love poem, which is perfect for the form. Well done, and good luck with your edits.
Lizzie