09-04-2022, 06:01 AM
(09-03-2022, 11:34 PM)dukealien Wrote: Last Life in Death (RETRO)I don't think there's much to improve upon with this one, Duke. A few little things slow the read but the meter admittedly limits your options.
What must it be to die unpeacefully, "it must" might ring more informal than "must it"
not recognizing nurse (nor) child (nor) bed– something to consider with the "n" of "nurse"
for mind to live when memory has fled,
to see and move and think meaninglessly feels as though some punctuation is needed between "think" and "meaninglessly" - can't tell if the extra space was intentional
trapped in a body, whole though nearly dead,
thoughts racing courses without knowing what racing thoughts is borderline cliche- lots of options to fit your meter
each thing perceived is called, not having got
a clue from what those gathered say or said?
Yet though the mind is lost it still has brought
emotion from its living body - fear
of all its organs feel and see and hear I think you meant "of what" but couldn't squeeze it in.
but cannot name in helpless, lonely thought.
Someone will have to close your frightened eyes
and wonder if she’ll panic as she dies.
[NAPM 2022 #15 - The form is pretty tight, but there are flaws as this was written quickly]
