06-21-2022, 04:39 AM
To my ear it would sound better if the verb tenses were the same in S1. “Float” can also be a continuous action “floating”, or torches “light” greasy hair--in order to make it consistent. I think the stanza is more of a compound sentence and not a participial phrase (L3 and 4).
I don’t quite get the simile in S2. It seems incomplete. I know you want to try and keep unnecessary words to a minimum, but this seems to be missing a detail to clarify what you’re comparing. How is a scream like a scorpion tail? Is it “stinging” the air or ear by breaking the peaceful silence? If so, may want to say that such as, “silence, broken by screams stinging the air like scorpion tails” or something. Otherwise, it sounds a bit like a mixed metaphor.
I don’t quite get the simile in S2. It seems incomplete. I know you want to try and keep unnecessary words to a minimum, but this seems to be missing a detail to clarify what you’re comparing. How is a scream like a scorpion tail? Is it “stinging” the air or ear by breaking the peaceful silence? If so, may want to say that such as, “silence, broken by screams stinging the air like scorpion tails” or something. Otherwise, it sounds a bit like a mixed metaphor.