What's the breaking point?

[rowens]

When I was a kid, I used to spend all my time worried that my family would be murdered every moment I wasn't seeing them. That's why I couldn't pay attention in school. Until only a few years ago, wherever I went, I kept an eye out for people opening their car door and stepping out with a gun. I had visions of violence and death and various other unsavory things in my mind every moment since I was five years old until last year. I always found horror movies useful because they taught me ways to aestheticize my obsessive fears. I'd never felt any sense of security in the world around me or in my mind or body or for other people until last year. When I'd drink to get rid of those fears, I'd wake up with those fears turned up past 11. And there never was a breaking point, the more I learned the more agile my mind became in coming up with agonizing torture chambers for me to fight through every moment of every day and night and in my dreams.
So I simply killed myself and went on living.

It also helps to imagine that I'm Denzel Washington in Book of Eli, walking around on an Earth already blown away and occupied by dealers of death.