Evoking the end

[Mark A Becker]

OK Semi,

Sand castle
smoothed over 
by sea foam,
swept into a rib cage,
and the misty white sun
like a stalwart eye what???
shedding a single tear,  the sun don't cry, even in poems. That's almost like sayin 'sunshine raining down'. Get it?
evaporates 'eyes' maybe, but the 'sun' does not evaporate- it evaporates other stuff.
the atmosphere. Really?  C'mon man. The whole thing crashes here.  Especially when there are plenty of slant rhymes that could work way better. Every word counts extra in these short ones. If you're going to force a rhyme, simply because you gotta have it, then it's best to re-think that approach.

The lines after "white sun" read like mental masturbation- trying to pull it toward poetic ejaculation. I'm afraid you're overthinking this short one- please VISUALIZE the scene that you're describing.  It doesn't have to be completely realistic, but it needs to be close, ie ACCURATE, because the first five lines are accurate.

I really like the idea, so stop trying to mess it up, and LET IT TELL YOU how to write it. OK?
Mark