05-06-2022, 01:21 AM
(05-05-2022, 06:25 PM)Erthona Wrote: InnocenceI'm assuming the somewhat archaic form of this poem is deliberate, and I think it works. My suggestions attempt to make it more consistently so, except for the last one, which is just a matter of word choice/idea.
Innocence looks ever toward its loss
blindly fleeing magic and wonderment
realizing not what its yearnings will cost;
too late to recapture childhood’s content.
Willfully, these carefree days do fall away,
Into an Annus mirabilis they do disappear.
Yearning, he bids not these marvels to stay,
nor joy does he bring without sending tears.
No! Wisdom secures not fled innocence
nor buys back that ransomed for pleasures brief.
Forever regret stains this happenstance Regret does forever stain this happenstance
the rest of life spent in thrall to this grief.
Truth on young ears falls dumb: ignored bequest.
“Once out you may ne’er return to this nest.” I'd prefer a different word here; "nest" doesn't work well for me. A bigger, more inclusive one of active innocence. Tried to come up with something, but you've already used most of the words (wonderment, marvel, magic) that come to mind.
Yeah, I know it was supposed to be a sonnet, but...

