04-01-2022, 11:42 PM
Hi rj-
The poem cries for concrete imagery: it's hard to latch onto it.
A child cries
The darkness is lifted
A child cries redundant so close to the title
Tears subside and eyes open
Colors light the world
Tiny feet trod limitless paths Another word for 'trod'?
Full of promise
Joy abounds and light is rich hmmm? odd metaphor
Time turns and options narrow This sudden switch is jarring.
Choices made
She is found
Hope shines
Others are given
A child cries
Promises lost
Plans deserted
Love forsaken
Plunged into dark
Will to fight ignites
I teach myself to see
Eyes open but limitless fields of gray unfold
Colors gone and sounds muted
Path unclear
I tremble alone Without concrete images, this stanza has a 'laundry list ' feel to it.
A child cries
I journey to find color
But the turned pages are empty
And the book is near to end awkward phrasing
Should I accept the gray
Keep trying
Another broken heart
Will assaulted
Self-esteem dissolved
A child cries This line continues the repetition, yet feels out of place.
The paths are lined with my desire
And littered with my failures
I trudge on for the sake of others
But the others are near gone maybe 'keep leaving' instead of 'near gone'?
And I am no farther from the dark
Or closer to the light my favorite lines
A child cries
I reach for the switch
And plunge my gray back to black
Perhaps I can close the book
I sit alone on the path These lines don't add anything, for me, at least.
Without sight and wait OK, it's dark without the 'light' on, but 'without sight' ?
For the stars to appear How can stars appear if you're 'without sight'?
The fear burns
The will fades
Darkness penetrates
A child cries
The repetition of "a child cries" isn't working for me without concrete images.
I suggest reading this one aloud, and finding where you can flesh it out with descriptions, while compressing the subject to enhance its impact. The vagueness needs clarity. Consider where you turn the lines, as well thought out line breaks would really help this one. All that said, I believe that you can come away with a solid piece with further revision.
The poem cries for concrete imagery: it's hard to latch onto it.
A child cries
The darkness is lifted
A child cries redundant so close to the title
Tears subside and eyes open
Colors light the world
Tiny feet trod limitless paths Another word for 'trod'?
Full of promise
Joy abounds and light is rich hmmm? odd metaphor
Time turns and options narrow This sudden switch is jarring.
Choices made
She is found
Hope shines
Others are given
A child cries
Promises lost
Plans deserted
Love forsaken
Plunged into dark
Will to fight ignites
I teach myself to see
Eyes open but limitless fields of gray unfold
Colors gone and sounds muted
Path unclear
I tremble alone Without concrete images, this stanza has a 'laundry list ' feel to it.
A child cries
I journey to find color
But the turned pages are empty
And the book is near to end awkward phrasing
Should I accept the gray
Keep trying
Another broken heart
Will assaulted
Self-esteem dissolved
A child cries This line continues the repetition, yet feels out of place.
The paths are lined with my desire
And littered with my failures
I trudge on for the sake of others
But the others are near gone maybe 'keep leaving' instead of 'near gone'?
And I am no farther from the dark
Or closer to the light my favorite lines
A child cries
I reach for the switch
And plunge my gray back to black
Perhaps I can close the book
I sit alone on the path These lines don't add anything, for me, at least.
Without sight and wait OK, it's dark without the 'light' on, but 'without sight' ?
For the stars to appear How can stars appear if you're 'without sight'?
The fear burns
The will fades
Darkness penetrates
A child cries
The repetition of "a child cries" isn't working for me without concrete images.
I suggest reading this one aloud, and finding where you can flesh it out with descriptions, while compressing the subject to enhance its impact. The vagueness needs clarity. Consider where you turn the lines, as well thought out line breaks would really help this one. All that said, I believe that you can come away with a solid piece with further revision.