03-27-2022, 09:01 AM
Hello again, Tim,
I very much appreciate what you're going for here, but think the title could just be "Karma."
As an eyewitness to the power of the Guadalupe I think you could further descriptions to the surrounding area, since what you've offered makes it difficult for me to picture the scene. What kind of brush? What kind of trees? What do the banks of the Guadalupe look like near the floodplain?
I do know that the Guadalupe is prone to serious flooding, yet think you need to add more to the front end before you reach the concluding "final say." I find it sort of hard to believe that an RV park would even be allowed on a floodplain, but what do I know about Texas?
The uneveness of the line breaks also needs attention. That's part of the reason I'm showing/suggesting couplets, but another format would also work.
I couldn't find a better way to offer further critique for this piece so I did an edit, with only a few modifications:
When I first came to the far side of the Guadalupe,
to live above the flood plain, it was like a jungle
of brush and trees. Seeing deer come down
to drink was a rarity. Undergrowth kept them hidden.
Now the machines have come, and deer have nowhere
to hide. An RV park with room for 400 coming soon.
Ah, but there will also come that inevitable day
when the enraged waters of the Guadalupe
will have the final say.
I very much appreciate what you're going for here, but think the title could just be "Karma."
As an eyewitness to the power of the Guadalupe I think you could further descriptions to the surrounding area, since what you've offered makes it difficult for me to picture the scene. What kind of brush? What kind of trees? What do the banks of the Guadalupe look like near the floodplain?
I do know that the Guadalupe is prone to serious flooding, yet think you need to add more to the front end before you reach the concluding "final say." I find it sort of hard to believe that an RV park would even be allowed on a floodplain, but what do I know about Texas?
The uneveness of the line breaks also needs attention. That's part of the reason I'm showing/suggesting couplets, but another format would also work.
I couldn't find a better way to offer further critique for this piece so I did an edit, with only a few modifications:
When I first came to the far side of the Guadalupe,
to live above the flood plain, it was like a jungle
of brush and trees. Seeing deer come down
to drink was a rarity. Undergrowth kept them hidden.
Now the machines have come, and deer have nowhere
to hide. An RV park with room for 400 coming soon.
Ah, but there will also come that inevitable day
when the enraged waters of the Guadalupe
will have the final say.