Late February - edit

[dukealien]

[quote="dukealien" pid='257768' dateline='1645306248']
Late February


Spring’s unstealthy early
warm wild winds
wound Winter mortally  - feel like there is too much alliteration going on here,it doesn't read out loud very easy, you could lose 'unstealthy' and 'wild' and it would still work. however i think that 'winter beheads itself with warm wild winds' from the first version is worth keeping

pale darkness seems to seep - do you need 'seems to' - seeps
through blinds and bleeds
out hoarded health
leaving us listless
vainly awaiting Easter which
too many will not reach - like these last two lines


Hi Duke,

although this is a better poem it feels like you've overworked the original and lost a couple of nice images.
I like the symbology that is open to interpretation. 

cheers

mark

Much as I hate failing to respond properly to all this good critique, I'm going to have to give the poem a thorough re-think.  One of those cases where it seemed at least a little inspired when written, but when you take "re" out of inspired you're left with insipid.