03-22-2022, 02:55 AM
[quote="dukealien" pid='257768' dateline='1645306248']
Late February
Spring’s unstealthy early
warm wild winds
wound Winter mortally - feel like there is too much alliteration going on here,it doesn't read out loud very easy, you could lose 'unstealthy' and 'wild' and it would still work. however i think that 'winter beheads itself with warm wild winds' from the first version is worth keeping
pale darkness seems to seep - do you need 'seems to' - seeps
through blinds and bleeds
out hoarded health
leaving us listless
vainly awaiting Easter which
too many will not reach - like these last two lines
Hi Duke,
although this is a better poem it feels like you've overworked the original and lost a couple of nice images.
I like the symbology that is open to interpretation.
cheers
mark
Late February
Spring’s unstealthy early
warm wild winds
wound Winter mortally - feel like there is too much alliteration going on here,it doesn't read out loud very easy, you could lose 'unstealthy' and 'wild' and it would still work. however i think that 'winter beheads itself with warm wild winds' from the first version is worth keeping
pale darkness seems to seep - do you need 'seems to' - seeps
through blinds and bleeds
out hoarded health
leaving us listless
vainly awaiting Easter which
too many will not reach - like these last two lines
Hi Duke,
although this is a better poem it feels like you've overworked the original and lost a couple of nice images.
I like the symbology that is open to interpretation.
cheers
mark
wae aye man ye radgie