12-10-2021, 11:07 PM
.
The Mess Before Christmas ........ like the title change.
Up there on the rooftop
there was a banging noise, ............. not keen on two 'theres' in quick succession.
waking up the neighbors,
and all the girls and the boys. ...... As the piece improves, as it is doing, you might want to revisit this, it's not that strong and I think you can do better.
The neighbourhood was sleeping,
the good girls and good boys.
When from a shingle rooftop
there came a banging noise
So grandpa grabbed his baseball bat
and grandma grabbed her gun,
the reindeer, they just froze in place
so Santa had to run. ..................... two 'sos'. And why does he have to run? He's there legitimately. Also, if he's at 'ground' level, who or what was making the noise on the roof?
So Granny grabbed her Tec-9
Grandpa his basball bat,
the pair burst through the door,
like a getiatric SWAT
They saw, amongst the roses
a figure all in red
tangled up in Christmas lights
a hood upon his head
They chased him off the driveway
and out into the yard,
where grandma opened fired, ............ 'fire'
and Red he went down hard.
Grandpa said, "oh, grandma,
look at what you did!"
Grandma stood there shaking
and cried, "don't tell the kids." ..... still think this adds nothing.
Santa laid there moaning
crumpled on his pack,
and grandma said, "I never knew
that Santa Claus was black."
The figure lay there moaning
crumpled on his pack.
"Goodnes, gracious me" said grandma,
Santa Claus is black"
A friend who was recording, ...... where does the friend come from?
said, “just use common sense,
he threw some snowballs at her,
it was clearly self-defense.” ........ not convinced, think it's the phrasing. This feels like an ending, to me.
Nosey Joe from next door called out
"use your common sense.
Say he threw some snowballs,
so you fired, self-defense."
Grandpa was a doctor,
he leaned in and replied, .....................'leaned in'?
“just shut your mouth and help me
get this man inside.”
Grandpa had been a doctor,
and was recently retired
"Stop filming, Joe" he bellowed
"help me carry him inside",
While he was stitching Santa ............ think you need to further describe who is being stitched at some point. Elf/not elf? What?
grandma gasped, surprised,
what she saw inside his pack ........... when she saw what he carried / it nearly made her cry
nearly made her cry.
"There’s a pistol here for Joey,
a shotgun there for Tom, ..................... and a shotgun for young Tom
and Jenny’s got a rifle, ....................... this must be Jenny's rifle / and her kit for making bombs
and a kit for making bombs." ............. Love their presents.
About this time, Black Santa ............. surely 'Poor Santa'? You haven't established, yet, that it's not the real Santa (unless being black is an automatic disqualification? )
was beginning to wake up, ................ he finally woke up ?
and he said he had to fill in
to deliver all that stuff. ..................... Fine, but who is he?
He said that ole Saint Nicholas ......... He said, the real Nicholas
had gotten nasty drunk,
and they had to lock him up
inside a storage trunk. ..................... anthing a bit more 'North Pole' magical than 'storage trunk'?
About this time, poor Santa
finally came round.
My name, he said, is Reginald
the Head Elf to that clown
the real Nick, he told them,
has a problem with the booze,
this year he got wasted
poured himself out of his boots.
He said that Mrs. Claus .................. do you need to keep repeating 'he said'?
could only stand and sob,
“he gives everything away ............. not sure what point she's trying to make here.
and doesn’t even have a job.” ......... maybe italics, rather than speech marks?
So grandpa and Black Santa
decided to recoup and relax,
and that meant that grandma
had to reload all those packs. ............ very awkward verse, and doesn't make much sense narratively.
While Rudolph and most other
reindeer were on a labor strike,
the only one to lead the sleigh
was a unicorn named Spike. ............ don't think this works, first they 'froze' now they're on strike?
Spike and grandma had their
backs against the wall,
but they loaded up and took off-
to dash away, dash away all. ............ this rather comes out of nowhere. Where does Spike come from? I can see why Grandma help, but who is Spike and why does he? And since when can Unicorns fly?
Mrs Claus, he went on
was worn out, and would sob
'he gives it all away, the bum
he only has one job.'
Grandma wandered outside,
she'd heard more than enough,
and picked up all the presents,
the boxes, bags and stuff
She couldn't see a reindeer
as she loaded up the sleigh
just a slightly puzzled Pegasus
....
As kids from all ‘round the world
snoozed the night away, ......................... not the best couplet in the poem.
Spike and Grandma Santa
.
Hi Mark,
mea culpa.
Though referring to him as Black Santa throughout the revision rather undermines, I think. Even if 'Grandma Santa' slightly rescues that (it all sounds very 1970s blaxploitation). You said, in your explanation that he was an Elf, so why isn't it Elfin Santa? (I note in the poem that the only description of him is 'black', is he an elf, or what?)
The Mess Before Christmas ........ like the title change.
Up there on the rooftop
there was a banging noise, ............. not keen on two 'theres' in quick succession.
waking up the neighbors,
and all the girls and the boys. ...... As the piece improves, as it is doing, you might want to revisit this, it's not that strong and I think you can do better.
The neighbourhood was sleeping,
the good girls and good boys.
When from a shingle rooftop
there came a banging noise
So grandpa grabbed his baseball bat
and grandma grabbed her gun,
the reindeer, they just froze in place
so Santa had to run. ..................... two 'sos'. And why does he have to run? He's there legitimately. Also, if he's at 'ground' level, who or what was making the noise on the roof?
So Granny grabbed her Tec-9
Grandpa his basball bat,
the pair burst through the door,
like a getiatric SWAT
They saw, amongst the roses
a figure all in red
tangled up in Christmas lights
a hood upon his head
They chased him off the driveway
and out into the yard,
where grandma opened fired, ............ 'fire'
and Red he went down hard.
Grandpa said, "oh, grandma,
look at what you did!"
Grandma stood there shaking
and cried, "don't tell the kids." ..... still think this adds nothing.
Santa laid there moaning
crumpled on his pack,
and grandma said, "I never knew
that Santa Claus was black."
The figure lay there moaning
crumpled on his pack.
"Goodnes, gracious me" said grandma,
Santa Claus is black"
A friend who was recording, ...... where does the friend come from?
said, “just use common sense,
he threw some snowballs at her,
it was clearly self-defense.” ........ not convinced, think it's the phrasing. This feels like an ending, to me.
Nosey Joe from next door called out
"use your common sense.
Say he threw some snowballs,
so you fired, self-defense."
Grandpa was a doctor,
he leaned in and replied, .....................'leaned in'?
“just shut your mouth and help me
get this man inside.”
Grandpa had been a doctor,
and was recently retired
"Stop filming, Joe" he bellowed
"help me carry him inside",
While he was stitching Santa ............ think you need to further describe who is being stitched at some point. Elf/not elf? What?
grandma gasped, surprised,
what she saw inside his pack ........... when she saw what he carried / it nearly made her cry
nearly made her cry.
"There’s a pistol here for Joey,
a shotgun there for Tom, ..................... and a shotgun for young Tom
and Jenny’s got a rifle, ....................... this must be Jenny's rifle / and her kit for making bombs
and a kit for making bombs." ............. Love their presents.
About this time, Black Santa ............. surely 'Poor Santa'? You haven't established, yet, that it's not the real Santa (unless being black is an automatic disqualification?
)was beginning to wake up, ................ he finally woke up ?
and he said he had to fill in
to deliver all that stuff. ..................... Fine, but who is he?
He said that ole Saint Nicholas ......... He said, the real Nicholas
had gotten nasty drunk,
and they had to lock him up
inside a storage trunk. ..................... anthing a bit more 'North Pole' magical than 'storage trunk'?
About this time, poor Santa
finally came round.
My name, he said, is Reginald
the Head Elf to that clown
the real Nick, he told them,
has a problem with the booze,
this year he got wasted
poured himself out of his boots.
He said that Mrs. Claus .................. do you need to keep repeating 'he said'?
could only stand and sob,
“he gives everything away ............. not sure what point she's trying to make here.
and doesn’t even have a job.” ......... maybe italics, rather than speech marks?
So grandpa and Black Santa
decided to recoup and relax,
and that meant that grandma
had to reload all those packs. ............ very awkward verse, and doesn't make much sense narratively.
While Rudolph and most other
reindeer were on a labor strike,
the only one to lead the sleigh
was a unicorn named Spike. ............ don't think this works, first they 'froze' now they're on strike?
Spike and grandma had their
backs against the wall,
but they loaded up and took off-
to dash away, dash away all. ............ this rather comes out of nowhere. Where does Spike come from? I can see why Grandma help, but who is Spike and why does he? And since when can Unicorns fly?
Mrs Claus, he went on
was worn out, and would sob
'he gives it all away, the bum
he only has one job.'
Grandma wandered outside,
she'd heard more than enough,
and picked up all the presents,
the boxes, bags and stuff
She couldn't see a reindeer
as she loaded up the sleigh
just a slightly puzzled Pegasus
....
As kids from all ‘round the world
snoozed the night away, ......................... not the best couplet in the poem.
Spike and Grandma Santa
saved their Christmas Day.
Enjoyed it Mark.
Best, Knot
.