12-10-2021, 12:10 AM
.
Hi Mark,
difficult to offer much beyond general encouragement at this stage. So much depends on whether it's (a) really Santa and (b) Santa is really 'black', or just covered in soot. The association of black with 'drunk and couldn't drive the sleigh' seems unfortunate, as it does with 'doesn't even have a job'. What Eddie Murphy can get away with ...
Mostly three stresses per line, but sometimes four. Perhaps make it more regular, line one (tetrameter) lines two - four (trimeter)?
Some (minor) thoughts.
That night we heard, from on the roof,
a bang, bang, banging noise.
It woke up the whole neighbourhood,
the sleepy girls and boys.
So grandpa went and fetched his bat
and grannie grabbed her gun
they marched out to the garden
to see what's going on.
The reindeer took off like a shot
with laden sleigh in tow
And Santa Claus began to run
but he'd no place to go.
They chased him up and down the drive
then out into the yard,
where grandma opened fired,
and Santa went down hard.
he fell among the Christmas lights
the snowmen with their canes
...
...
Grandpa said, "oh, grandma, look
look at what you did!"
Grandma stood there shaking
and cried, "don't tell the kids." ............... weakest verse for me. Do you need it?
Santa lay there moaning
crumpled on his pack, ........................... surely 'sack'
and grandma said, "I never knew
that Santa Claus was black."
What there is I enjoyed, looking forward to the rest.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Mark,
difficult to offer much beyond general encouragement at this stage. So much depends on whether it's (a) really Santa and (b) Santa is really 'black', or just covered in soot. The association of black with 'drunk and couldn't drive the sleigh' seems unfortunate, as it does with 'doesn't even have a job'. What Eddie Murphy can get away with ...
Mostly three stresses per line, but sometimes four. Perhaps make it more regular, line one (tetrameter) lines two - four (trimeter)?
Some (minor) thoughts.
That night we heard, from on the roof,
a bang, bang, banging noise.
It woke up the whole neighbourhood,
the sleepy girls and boys.
So grandpa went and fetched his bat
and grannie grabbed her gun
they marched out to the garden
to see what's going on.
The reindeer took off like a shot
with laden sleigh in tow
And Santa Claus began to run
but he'd no place to go.
They chased him up and down the drive
then out into the yard,
where grandma opened fired,
and Santa went down hard.
he fell among the Christmas lights
the snowmen with their canes
...
...
Grandpa said, "oh, grandma, look
look at what you did!"
Grandma stood there shaking
and cried, "don't tell the kids." ............... weakest verse for me. Do you need it?
Santa lay there moaning
crumpled on his pack, ........................... surely 'sack'
and grandma said, "I never knew
that Santa Claus was black."
What there is I enjoyed, looking forward to the rest.
Best, Knot
.