(11-06-2021, 06:55 AM)Beowulf Wrote: Disassembling MarconiAll the worlds a stage my friend. And old and common trope. However by no means off limits as yet. Springing into dance is a bit straight off the shelf and unconvincing though, especially right after the only rhyming pair of lines in the poem.
I hear Mariachi static on my radio
And the tubes they glow in the dark
----------------------------------------------Warren Zevon
At five I took to disassembling radios
to find the spot within,
that sparked metallic voice
This is clumsy syntax here, with the comma after within and the line break after voice That reads like a definite article. I would recommend using which, or simply losing the comma.
into song – the component which played
Love the use of component here. Lends a certain authenticity to the image.
the musical repertoire that made
my sisters spring into dance
on a makeshift stage with rag curtains.
I would stare for hours into this
breadbox Wurlitzer – to locate the source
of mimicry – the cathode tubes glowing
in the dark – lighting the way
to the next act.
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Also I think the poem could use something, perhaps some details about the sisters, or something else specific or significant which separates these acts of from all the others. Or which may at least give us more cause for considering them.
Overall I enjoy the initial image. And I'm curious about it. The craftsman or hobbyist in his environment. The workshop. The tools which may have been used to disassemble the radios.

