11-19-2021, 03:20 PM
The choice of end words in the first stanza seems intentional, if debatable -- "within" is superfluous, but it's a gesture to the metaphysical, while the rhyme between "played" and "made" seems meant to spring the stanza to the end. I dunno. At first I liked it, but as I tried to find the words to describe why I liked it, referring especially to previous critiques, I found myself better understanding the other side of this little debate, the side that would rewrite the second and third lines into "to find the spot that sparked / metallic voice to song", or else finds the rhyme a little meh due to the rather overwrought phrase "musical repertoire". Me, I might rewrite the first three or four lines, find a more spirited substitute for "musical repertoire", but keep the rhyme. The last two lines, however, are plain magic.
I agree with one of the earlier critiques -- "for hours" doesn't seem to say anything, and "Wurlitzer", being a distinct item from a "Marconi", might confuse -- but also "stare for hours" implies stillness, where the entire first stanza later implies and at its earliest outright states ("disassembling") action, motion. The em dashes also don't do anything for me: maybe the breaking up they accomplish is supposed to imply disassembly, but then why wouldn't the rest of the poem be so disassembled, too? But I do like
the cathode ray tubes glowing
in the dark, lighting [our] way
to the next act
(much better with regular punctuation -- also, as per the brackets, might be better to change up one of those "the"s) even if it's pretty much taken from Zevon.
Eh, being entirely original is both incredibly difficult and somewhat overrated, especially with the inconceivable amount of literature we have now. Now, Warren Zevon, he seems nice -- I haven't had the pleasure -- but all I've heard of Linda Ronstadt is her business with apartheid-era South Africa, so maybe not her version xD. Lovely work, and aside from my compliments and my gripe with the second stanza's punctuation, I found myself stretching to critique it, perhaps because everything else seems built for those lines, those images, I complimented. If ever you revise, it might be a good idea to focus on those things: your sisters and their games, the radio as hanukkiah.
I agree with one of the earlier critiques -- "for hours" doesn't seem to say anything, and "Wurlitzer", being a distinct item from a "Marconi", might confuse -- but also "stare for hours" implies stillness, where the entire first stanza later implies and at its earliest outright states ("disassembling") action, motion. The em dashes also don't do anything for me: maybe the breaking up they accomplish is supposed to imply disassembly, but then why wouldn't the rest of the poem be so disassembled, too? But I do like
the cathode ray tubes glowing
in the dark, lighting [our] way
to the next act
(much better with regular punctuation -- also, as per the brackets, might be better to change up one of those "the"s) even if it's pretty much taken from Zevon.
Eh, being entirely original is both incredibly difficult and somewhat overrated, especially with the inconceivable amount of literature we have now. Now, Warren Zevon, he seems nice -- I haven't had the pleasure -- but all I've heard of Linda Ronstadt is her business with apartheid-era South Africa, so maybe not her version xD. Lovely work, and aside from my compliments and my gripe with the second stanza's punctuation, I found myself stretching to critique it, perhaps because everything else seems built for those lines, those images, I complimented. If ever you revise, it might be a good idea to focus on those things: your sisters and their games, the radio as hanukkiah.