11-15-2021, 04:22 AM
At five I took to disassembling radios This feels like a bit of an overview. Slow this down and show the narrator interacting with these radios in real time
to find the spot within, I don't think a comma is needed
that sparked metallic voice I don't think "sparked" does justice to what you are trying to say. Consider a verb that is perhaps more abstract or figurative
into song – the component which played (nit-pick) since you used "that" previously, I think "that" would be more appropriate than "which". Could you use a more visual/specific image than "component"?
the musical repertoire that made what type of music?
my sisters spring into dance I don't think the words "spring into dance" do justice to what you are trying to say. Could you be more visual/specific here? Specificity is a big thing in poetry, and using unique combinations of words can make a reader really connect with what's on the page
on a makeshift stage with rag curtains. I love played/made/stage!
I would stare for hours into this
breadbox Wurlitzer – to locate the source
of mimicry – the cathode tubes glowing
in the dark – lighting the way
to the next act. I love this stanza! It is very effective because it has a clear string of events and a good sense of theme.
to find the spot within, I don't think a comma is needed
that sparked metallic voice I don't think "sparked" does justice to what you are trying to say. Consider a verb that is perhaps more abstract or figurative
into song – the component which played (nit-pick) since you used "that" previously, I think "that" would be more appropriate than "which". Could you use a more visual/specific image than "component"?
the musical repertoire that made what type of music?
my sisters spring into dance I don't think the words "spring into dance" do justice to what you are trying to say. Could you be more visual/specific here? Specificity is a big thing in poetry, and using unique combinations of words can make a reader really connect with what's on the page
on a makeshift stage with rag curtains. I love played/made/stage!
I would stare for hours into this
breadbox Wurlitzer – to locate the source
of mimicry – the cathode tubes glowing
in the dark – lighting the way
to the next act. I love this stanza! It is very effective because it has a clear string of events and a good sense of theme.