Disassembling Marconi

[alonso ramoran]

Disassembling Marconi Assuming that "Marconi" is the brand of the radio, I think "Disassembling the Marconi" would sound better



I hear Mariachi static on my radio

And the tubes they glow in the dark

----------------------------------------------Warren Zevon  I enjoyed searching up the song, it made me imagine that it was what was playing before the N began working on the radio







At five I took to disassembling radios

to find the spot within, "within" could be omitted as well as the comma. also, is it a "spot" or a part?

that sparked metallic voice this sequence seems problematic. It suggests that the radio was already making a sort of metallic sound before being "sparked" into music, and, while I don't know anything about tinkering with radios, I don't think this is something radios do unless the frequency is being changed (static). But it seems like the N is tinkering with the radio, not simply changing the frequency

into song – the component which played

the musical repertoire that made this rhyme coming at the end of these 2 lines kinda distracts from the poem's flow, imo. Also, [b]since I do not think the sisters are dancing in this moment b/c the N is messing with the radio, I think it would make more sense to write "the musical repertoire that would make..." [/b]

my sisters spring into dance

on a makeshift stage with rag curtains.


To remedy my critique of the rhyme in S1L4 & 5, I reordered the stanza by adjusting the line breaks. Let me know what you think:

At five I took to disassembling radios

to find the spot within that sparked
metallic voice into song – the component
which played the musical repertoire
that made my sisters spring into dance
on a makeshift stage with rag curtains.





I would stare for hours into this 

breadbox Wurlitzer – to locate the source is the radio a marconi or a wurlitzer? i have almost no knowledge about radios so this question might not even be valid xD im also unsure what breadbox is supposed to mean in this context and I think you could omit the em dash. I like "source of mimicry"

of mimicry – the cathode tubes glowing

in the dark – lighting the way i feel this line is a nice way to show the passage of time, since the first stanza tells us that the N began tinkering around 5 and I think there would still be some light outside around that time. That being said, two things: (1) I think you could cut "glowing in the dark" since "lighting the way" implies some level of darkness and (2) I do not think the N needs to tell the R that they would work on this radio for hours in S2L1. Omitting these parts could give you some room to reorder the stanza and experiment with new images/ideas and/or expand on existing ones
to the next act. Is the next act in reference to the N's sisters? I was thinking that the sisters were not dancing though, since the N was working on the radio







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Thank you for sharing. The piece is short which I think should make it easier to sharpen. Would love to see where you take it.

Best
Alex