11-07-2021, 12:40 AM
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Hi Beowulf,
a strong start, a good first verse but overall it feels a little slight. Does N ever find what they're looking for?
For me the problem is the first half of the second stanza, it seems like a repeat of the first verse and adds nothing. Why the shift from sparked to mimicry?
Also, you've radios (plural) and then this breadbox Wurlitzer (singular).
Just a thought
At five I took apart the radio
to find the spot within, that sparked
metallic voices into song –
that played the musical repertoire
which made my sisters spring to dance
on a rag-curtained stage. I stared
...
Best, Knot
.
Hi Beowulf,
a strong start, a good first verse but overall it feels a little slight. Does N ever find what they're looking for?
For me the problem is the first half of the second stanza, it seems like a repeat of the first verse and adds nothing. Why the shift from sparked to mimicry?
Also, you've radios (plural) and then this breadbox Wurlitzer (singular).
Just a thought
At five I took apart the radio
to find the spot within, that sparked
metallic voices into song –
that played the musical repertoire
which made my sisters spring to dance
on a rag-curtained stage. I stared
...
Best, Knot
.