11-06-2021, 06:01 AM
Hi Sapphire,
Off the top, the double-spacing between the lines of the poem, albeit intentional - I presume, do nothing in furthering the conceit of the poem. Some in-line notes follow:
There was a devout swaying //when dad
sidled down the doorstep,// as if god had
spat sanctity’’ into the bow of the breeze. ‘’
My eyes glittered like sequins as he …(descended)
—(I think that the enjambment of S1 detracts from the impact of the lines and phrases of this stanza and in actuality the whole poem. The last word in a line should create a certain “tugging” effect leading the reader into the next line. I added double back slashes where you might enjamb the lines in a more effective fashion. I’m sure that you can probably come up with your own enjambments to better effect.)
descended onto the pond-black road //in
that thin red coat he wore like skin.//
When his car coughed its final puff //of
smoke into the air, I leaned //on the boards —-(I usually try to refrain from ending a line on a conjunction or preposition. )
of the barnyard pen, //next to the chickens
and hogs and unholiness.// I was nine
years old then //and I hadn’t yet learned //
that there is a kind of innocence// gods
steal from those who worship. //As dad
rattled away, swimming //like a goldfish
towards the luster //of the sun’s flaxen rim, //
I shut my eyes in prayer.
Overall this poem works well. Its imagery is rich and paints a clear tableau. The poem seems to represent the ingenue protagonist at nine years old and their loss of innocence or a change in a cognitive mindset or paradigm. The use of the uncapitalized word "god" being the tell-tale sign that this shift has taken root. The last line reverberates and rings true to this reader. Fine poem for a first offering. I look forward to any revisions. Good luck with this.
Best,
Beowulf
Off the top, the double-spacing between the lines of the poem, albeit intentional - I presume, do nothing in furthering the conceit of the poem. Some in-line notes follow:
There was a devout swaying //when dad
sidled down the doorstep,// as if god had
spat sanctity’’ into the bow of the breeze. ‘’
My eyes glittered like sequins as he …(descended)
—(I think that the enjambment of S1 detracts from the impact of the lines and phrases of this stanza and in actuality the whole poem. The last word in a line should create a certain “tugging” effect leading the reader into the next line. I added double back slashes where you might enjamb the lines in a more effective fashion. I’m sure that you can probably come up with your own enjambments to better effect.)
descended onto the pond-black road //in
that thin red coat he wore like skin.//
When his car coughed its final puff //of
smoke into the air, I leaned //on the boards —-(I usually try to refrain from ending a line on a conjunction or preposition. )
of the barnyard pen, //next to the chickens
and hogs and unholiness.// I was nine
years old then //and I hadn’t yet learned //
that there is a kind of innocence// gods
steal from those who worship. //As dad
rattled away, swimming //like a goldfish
towards the luster //of the sun’s flaxen rim, //
I shut my eyes in prayer.
Overall this poem works well. Its imagery is rich and paints a clear tableau. The poem seems to represent the ingenue protagonist at nine years old and their loss of innocence or a change in a cognitive mindset or paradigm. The use of the uncapitalized word "god" being the tell-tale sign that this shift has taken root. The last line reverberates and rings true to this reader. Fine poem for a first offering. I look forward to any revisions. Good luck with this.
Best,
Beowulf