Those Who Worship

[alonso ramoran]

Sapphire26855,



I hope it's alright but I took the liberty to reformat the piece so it could be easier to read. Thoughts below

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Update: I noticed the format was still kinda botched in this post and I think it might be because of the font. I'm just going to leave it haha

Revision 3:















Those Who Worship















There was a devout swaying when dad What exactly is swaying here is not that clear. Is the swaying in the dad's gait? It does make a good opener though







sidled down the doorstep, as if god had I like the use of sidle because it kinda implies that pious fear of god in the way the dad steps out the door.











spat sanctity into the bow of the breeze. I'm not so sure what "bow" means in this sense, but I think the idea of god spitting sanctity into the wind is pretty interesting. Makes me wonder: why spitting? Does the answer lie in a deeper reading of the poem?











My eyes glittered like sequins as he "Sequins" I feel is a nice comparison that begins to age the narrator



















descended onto the pond-black road in "Descended onto" feels more direct, driven and unafraid in movement as opposed to "sidling", like a hawk descending onto prey for example. Is this intended? If so, why the change in the dad's demeanor all of a sudden? Pond-black is also a nice descriptor and a nice seed to plant for the poem's concluding stanza.











that thin red coat he wore like skin. Feel like this could be made more interesting if you turned the comparison into a metaphor of some sort.











When his car coughed its final puff of The enjambment feels unnecessary, I would bump "of" down to the next line











smoke into the air, I leaned on the boards While "into the air" makes the line sound nicer imo, I would cut it. It's a given that the car "coughs" into the air, wouldnt you say?































of the barnyard pen, next to the chickens 











and hogs and unholiness. I was nine Unholiness is not that clear to me. Is the barnyard space something that the dad doesn't approve of?











years old then and I hadn’t yet learned Nit/suggestion: the N could just say "I was nine then and..."











that there is a kind of innocence gods The enjambment here doesn't work for me either; without a "that" before "gods" the line reads awkwardly at first. But even if this were to be remedied, ending the line at "gods" doesn't seem to serve anything conceptually for the poem























steal from those who worship. As dad This line and the line before sounds cool, but this "kind of innocence" is unclear to me.











rattled away, swimming like a goldfish The rattling I guess is in reference to the car, but how is he rattling away and also swimming away? I'm guessing that since you used pond-black earlier in the poem that this is an image you'd like to keep throughout your revisions. At this point in the poem, it seems like the dad has lost his timidity that was suggested in the first stanza, but it remains unclear to me what contributed to that











towards the luster of the sun’s flaxen rim, Does he swim toward the luster, or is he guided by the luster?











I shut my eyes in prayer. There are a couple things that I feel like were key in understanding in order for this ending to pay off and the sad part is that because I feel I've missed a couple things, this ending doesn't pay off. It sounds like there's a strong concept here but it's not conveyed well enough at least for me.

I might suggest exploring new titles. "Those Who Worship" seems focused on a demographic of people when the subject of this poem seems to only be a father.







Despite my critiques, I did enjoy the poem and thought it was a good first post. Thank you for sharing and welcome to the site : )







Best,



Alex