11-04-2021, 06:21 AM
Hello Sapphire-
First off, welcome to the Pen! Your first post appears in the INTENSIVE forum, and that means that a higher level of critique should be expected: please remember that I am commenting on the poem, and not the poet. Also bear in mind that my comments are not based upon comments that others may make, and those others may read things quite differently than me.
That said, on to the poem:
There was a devout swaying when dad This is very clumsy wording for an opening. I think that "devout swaying" could be described in one word as "shuckled"
sidled down the doorstep, as if god had coughed Capital "G" in this instance
sanctity into the bow of the breeze I'm trying hard to visualize this: coughing holiness (sanctity) doesn't work for me.
and the creak of the threshold I don't think you need this line, because it puts too much separation between "coughed" and "bloody tooth"
like a bloody tooth. My face glittered like Though "bloody tooth" refers to the coughing, it is really describing your dad: God coughed up your dad like a bloody tooth is how I read it. Also, "my face glittered" makes me think that there is actual glitter on N's face. Eyes may glitter, but faces?
a diamond as he descend onto Try to avoid a cliche like "glittering diamonds." SP- "descend" should be "descended"
the pond-black road in that thin red coat
he wore like skin. When his car spat its I like the contrast of the "pond-black road" and "thin red coat"
final puff of ash into the air, Car spat a puff of ash?? Smoke maybe, but ash??
I leaned on the boards of the barnyard
pen, squatting next to the chickens, and hogs Don't need "the"
and unholiness. I was nine years old then and Please don't turn on "and"
I hadn’t yet learned that there is a kind of "a kind of" is too vague, and adds nothing
innocence gods can be stolensteal from those who
worship. As dad clattered away, The car is clattering, not dad, right?
swimming like a goldfish towards the luster "clattered" and "swimming" just do not work together
of the sun’s golden rim, I shut my eyes in prayer. There isn't enough ahead of this last line to give this reader a clue to what the N may be praying about, or for. Obscure endings can be fine as long as they're not too obscure: I just don't know how to interpret this.
I get the impression that dad had some religious "swagger", yet can be compared to a bloody tooth, but there isn't enough to frlesh out that comparison.
In the next revision pay closer attention to line breaks- where you turn the lines- as many of the turns seem arbitrary.
I would suggest that N's 9 year old self should come much earlier in this piece.
I get a whiff of child abuse from this poem, because of innocence being stolen, and the praying at the end, but there isn't much more to base that suspicion on.
This poem has potential if the imagery is clarified and better atention is paid to details.
Good luck,
Mark
First off, welcome to the Pen! Your first post appears in the INTENSIVE forum, and that means that a higher level of critique should be expected: please remember that I am commenting on the poem, and not the poet. Also bear in mind that my comments are not based upon comments that others may make, and those others may read things quite differently than me.
That said, on to the poem:
There was a devout swaying when dad This is very clumsy wording for an opening. I think that "devout swaying" could be described in one word as "shuckled"
sidled down the doorstep, as if god had coughed Capital "G" in this instance
sanctity into the bow of the breeze I'm trying hard to visualize this: coughing holiness (sanctity) doesn't work for me.
and the creak of the threshold I don't think you need this line, because it puts too much separation between "coughed" and "bloody tooth"
like a bloody tooth. My face glittered like Though "bloody tooth" refers to the coughing, it is really describing your dad: God coughed up your dad like a bloody tooth is how I read it. Also, "my face glittered" makes me think that there is actual glitter on N's face. Eyes may glitter, but faces?
a diamond as he descend onto Try to avoid a cliche like "glittering diamonds." SP- "descend" should be "descended"
the pond-black road in that thin red coat
he wore like skin. When his car spat its I like the contrast of the "pond-black road" and "thin red coat"
final puff of ash into the air, Car spat a puff of ash?? Smoke maybe, but ash??
I leaned on the boards of the barnyard
pen, squatting next to the chickens, and hogs Don't need "the"
and unholiness. I was nine years old then and Please don't turn on "and"
I hadn’t yet learned that there is a kind of "a kind of" is too vague, and adds nothing
innocence gods can be stolensteal from those who
worship. As dad clattered away, The car is clattering, not dad, right?
swimming like a goldfish towards the luster "clattered" and "swimming" just do not work together
of the sun’s golden rim, I shut my eyes in prayer. There isn't enough ahead of this last line to give this reader a clue to what the N may be praying about, or for. Obscure endings can be fine as long as they're not too obscure: I just don't know how to interpret this.
I get the impression that dad had some religious "swagger", yet can be compared to a bloody tooth, but there isn't enough to frlesh out that comparison.
In the next revision pay closer attention to line breaks- where you turn the lines- as many of the turns seem arbitrary.
I would suggest that N's 9 year old self should come much earlier in this piece.
I get a whiff of child abuse from this poem, because of innocence being stolen, and the praying at the end, but there isn't much more to base that suspicion on.
This poem has potential if the imagery is clarified and better atention is paid to details.
Good luck,
Mark