11-03-2021, 10:20 PM
.
Hi Sapphire,
enjoyed the read but was left wondering what happened to the swaying devout of the opening.
Not keen on the short line lengths, made for a bit of a stop-start stop-start experience. I think you might transpose the 'kind of innocence' section to the end particularly given the title).
In a couple of places you pile image upon image, and I don't think the does anything other than confuse (this reader).
Some thoughts/suggestions
Those Who Worship
There was a devout ........................... It's a really intriguing opening, but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. And where is this devout? On the sidewalk, up a tree. where?
swaying when dad
strode down the doorstep, ................. can one stride down a doorstep? Stepped onto the porch? Maybe?
as if god had coughed
sanctity into
the bow of the breeze
and the creak
of the threshold ................................ I find this a little confusing, does the 'as if' relate to the 'bow of the breeze' and/or 'the creak of the threshold and/or 'dad strode'?
like a bloody tooth .......................... I like this, but the next line, the 'latex glove' takes me away from what I'm assuming, at this stage, is a child narrator (why wouldn't they spit the tooth into their own hand, why the dentist?)
into a latex glove.
My face glittered like ..................... second 'like' in quick succession, and ending on a preposition adds nothing, nor does the - what? a dramatic pause? - space, between this line and the next verse.
a sack of opaque gems ................... don't think the image works at all. If the gems are opaque, not to mention in a sack, how do they glitter?
as dad descend onto
the pond-black road ...................... like 'pond-black' (not sure about the portentous 'descended' or indeed 'onto') but what's happened to the 'devout'?
in the thin red coat
he wore like skin. ......................... skin feels a bit bare/weak, anything better?
When his car rubbed its
final puff of cigarette
ash into the air, ............................ how does this work, struggling to picture it. How do you rub something into the air?
I leaned on the boards
of the barnyard .......................... do barnyards have boards? Genuinely curious.
pen, squatting next ................... you're 'leaning' and 'squatting'?
to the chickens and hogs
and unholiness. I was ............. think you can cut the 'and'
nine years old then and
I hadn’t yet learned that
there is a kind of
innocence gods steal
from those who
worship. As dad
clattered away,
swimming like a goldfish ..... how can one 'clatter' and 'swim' ? And isn't it the car, rather than dad, doing the clattering?
towards the luster
of the sun’s golden rim,
I shut my eyes in prayer. ...... Why?
_________
There was a devout, swaying,
when while dad strode down the doorstep,
as if god had coughed sanctity into the bow of the breeze
and the creak of the threshold
like a bloody tooth
into a latex glove.
My face glittered as dad he descend
onto the pond-black road,
in that thin red coat he wore like skin.
When his car rubbed its final puff of cigarette ash into the air,
I leaned on the boards of the barnyard pen, squatting
next to the chickens, and the hogs and unholiness.
As dad clattered away, swimming like a goldfish
towards the luster of the sun’s golden rim,
I shut my eyes in prayer.
I was nine years old then and I hadn’t yet learned
that there is a kind of innocence gods steal
from those who worship them.
_________
To me this is the heart of the piece.
There was a devout, swaying, when dad strode down
I was nine years old then and I hadn’t yet learned
that there is a kind of innocence the gods steal
from those who worship them.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Sapphire,
enjoyed the read but was left wondering what happened to the swaying devout of the opening.
Not keen on the short line lengths, made for a bit of a stop-start stop-start experience. I think you might transpose the 'kind of innocence' section to the end particularly given the title).
In a couple of places you pile image upon image, and I don't think the does anything other than confuse (this reader).
Some thoughts/suggestions
Those Who Worship
There was a devout ........................... It's a really intriguing opening, but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. And where is this devout? On the sidewalk, up a tree. where?
swaying when dad
strode down the doorstep, ................. can one stride down a doorstep? Stepped onto the porch? Maybe?
as if god had coughed
sanctity into
the bow of the breeze
and the creak
of the threshold ................................ I find this a little confusing, does the 'as if' relate to the 'bow of the breeze' and/or 'the creak of the threshold and/or 'dad strode'?
like a bloody tooth .......................... I like this, but the next line, the 'latex glove' takes me away from what I'm assuming, at this stage, is a child narrator (why wouldn't they spit the tooth into their own hand, why the dentist?)
into a latex glove.
My face glittered like ..................... second 'like' in quick succession, and ending on a preposition adds nothing, nor does the - what? a dramatic pause? - space, between this line and the next verse.
a sack of opaque gems ................... don't think the image works at all. If the gems are opaque, not to mention in a sack, how do they glitter?
as dad descend onto
the pond-black road ...................... like 'pond-black' (not sure about the portentous 'descended' or indeed 'onto') but what's happened to the 'devout'?
in the thin red coat
he wore like skin. ......................... skin feels a bit bare/weak, anything better?
When his car rubbed its
final puff of cigarette
ash into the air, ............................ how does this work, struggling to picture it. How do you rub something into the air?
I leaned on the boards
of the barnyard .......................... do barnyards have boards? Genuinely curious.
pen, squatting next ................... you're 'leaning' and 'squatting'?
to the chickens and hogs
and unholiness. I was ............. think you can cut the 'and'
nine years old then and
I hadn’t yet learned that
there is a kind of
innocence gods steal
from those who
worship. As dad
clattered away,
swimming like a goldfish ..... how can one 'clatter' and 'swim' ? And isn't it the car, rather than dad, doing the clattering?
towards the luster
of the sun’s golden rim,
I shut my eyes in prayer. ...... Why?
_________
There was a devout, swaying,
when while dad strode down the doorstep,
as if god had coughed sanctity into the bow of the breeze
and the creak of the threshold
like a bloody tooth
into a latex glove.
My face glittered as dad he descend
onto the pond-black road,
in that thin red coat he wore like skin.
When his car rubbed its final puff of cigarette ash into the air,
I leaned on the boards of the barnyard pen, squatting
next to the chickens, and the hogs and unholiness.
As dad clattered away, swimming like a goldfish
towards the luster of the sun’s golden rim,
I shut my eyes in prayer.
I was nine years old then and I hadn’t yet learned
that there is a kind of innocence gods steal
from those who worship them.
_________
To me this is the heart of the piece.
There was a devout, swaying, when dad strode down
I was nine years old then and I hadn’t yet learned
that there is a kind of innocence the gods steal
from those who worship them.
Best, Knot
.