The Exhibit

[alonso ramoran]

TqB,

Comments below

In October 1862
less than a month after the slaughter
the Dead of Antietam opened on Broadway. Suggestion: cut these 3 lines then find a way to convey line 2 later in the poem. Then, retitle something like: "The Exhibit, October 1862"
Confederate artillery men piled
like bags of grain about a caisson
in front of a pockmarked Dunker church, When the N uses pockmarked, I'm think of a stucco type of material, something with inconsistent indentations, instead of holes caused by what's likely to be canon fire. Maybe another adjective? And I would use "the" instead of "a" for a determiner, because before I learned of the church that was being mentioned, I thought Dunker was a particular style of church-related architecture
scattered bodies along a fence row,
or heaped together in a worn rutted road either worn or rutted, don't think it should be both
or even alone in the disordered pose "disordered pose of a final moment" has something the two previous lines do not, imo; they felt like passing observations that the N felt obligated to talk about and if you intended for the reader to know of these photos already or research these photos, these lines would add nothing to that experience of viewing the photos. Again tho, really liked "disordered pose of a final moment"
of a final moment, all awaiting shallow mass graves,
the nameless enemy forever unburied
prisoners of death locked inside a frame prisoners of death or prisoners in death? hmm... so is the N suggesting that death keeps these soldiers locked inside a frame?
in a lush gallery with velvet couches
and lit by chandeliers
where living bodies wander and gaze
seeing for the first time displayed
like a painter’s canvases really like the comparison
the aftermath of war’s artistry. A fine and appropriate ending

The poem became a bit difficult to follow without at least one full stop sometime after the first 3 lines. Once I was able to get a hold of it though, it became a nice, thoughtful read. I'd love to see where you take this piece.

Alex