10-21-2021, 10:52 AM
Hi Vika-
And welcome! Below are some comments:
All from the same family,
siblings by blood; the cat, the bat, the rat Weirdly, I think that people and rats are even more related than cats/rats, with bats be the odd member in the animal world. Go figure.
The cat sleeps on their chairs,
eats the food those people share
With a nasty ear and a threatening snare, "nasty ear" ? Try to be careful not to force rhymes (share/snare)
she wouldn't make it past May in this cold air HMM? Summer folllows May north of the equator, so this makes sense if written south of the equator
I suppose the bat would sleep on chairs too
but certainly wouldn't eat those people's food "too" / "food" is a more creative slant rhyme
Too scared I've fed bats applesauce before
They come around, she flits away, agenda and all "agenda" ? "and all" ?
right over to the next side of the people's wall Oh, I see- "all" to rhyme with "wall" (but that's forcing the rhyme again)
The rat, a blood-sucking, badly-behaved rabid animal I think it's very rare for rats to be infected with rabies
terrorized the poor cat
The rat originates from the other side of the wall "originates" doesn't seem to fit
But she has no true home I don't know, their "true home" seems to be just about everywhere
With light eyes and an expired relationship with the bat, Re-think "expired"
The rat roams about
in search of home, not just a house
She has no purpose,
no one will love her. OK then, is the rat something completely other than a rat. If so, I have no clue. Odd ending ???
There is probably a cooler way to tell this story. I'd suggest reading up on bats, cats, and rats, and then see what details you might add to flesh this one out.
Be careful about forcing rhymes. They aren't really even necessary to tell this story, unless they fall naturally: by that I mean, worry less about the rhyming and more about the story you're trying to tell. I could see this being crafted as a poem intended for young kids, but you'll need more action and adventure to hold the audience's attention. I see that the three animals are all female, and that could be expanded on.
You've got a start, and that's something.
Keep plugging away at it,
Mark
And welcome! Below are some comments:
All from the same family,
siblings by blood; the cat, the bat, the rat Weirdly, I think that people and rats are even more related than cats/rats, with bats be the odd member in the animal world. Go figure.
The cat sleeps on their chairs,
eats the food those people share
With a nasty ear and a threatening snare, "nasty ear" ? Try to be careful not to force rhymes (share/snare)
she wouldn't make it past May in this cold air HMM? Summer folllows May north of the equator, so this makes sense if written south of the equator
I suppose the bat would sleep on chairs too
but certainly wouldn't eat those people's food "too" / "food" is a more creative slant rhyme
Too scared I've fed bats applesauce before
They come around, she flits away, agenda and all "agenda" ? "and all" ?
right over to the next side of the people's wall Oh, I see- "all" to rhyme with "wall" (but that's forcing the rhyme again)
The rat, a blood-sucking, badly-behaved rabid animal I think it's very rare for rats to be infected with rabies
terrorized the poor cat
The rat originates from the other side of the wall "originates" doesn't seem to fit
But she has no true home I don't know, their "true home" seems to be just about everywhere
With light eyes and an expired relationship with the bat, Re-think "expired"
The rat roams about
in search of home, not just a house
She has no purpose,
no one will love her. OK then, is the rat something completely other than a rat. If so, I have no clue. Odd ending ???
There is probably a cooler way to tell this story. I'd suggest reading up on bats, cats, and rats, and then see what details you might add to flesh this one out.
Be careful about forcing rhymes. They aren't really even necessary to tell this story, unless they fall naturally: by that I mean, worry less about the rhyming and more about the story you're trying to tell. I could see this being crafted as a poem intended for young kids, but you'll need more action and adventure to hold the audience's attention. I see that the three animals are all female, and that could be expanded on.
You've got a start, and that's something.
Keep plugging away at it,
Mark