10-19-2021, 08:45 PM
Hi Alex-
Some in-line comments, below:
As the sun must set, so must our shadows
in the east amalgamate into night. maybe swap it to " amalamate in the east" ? When I swap it, it reads smoother.
So carry me across the stars and to
the edge of space, as we debride and salve had to stop to look up "debride" (threw off my reading)
the necrosis of empire. And a bit to wordy, for me, esp "empire". Turning on "and" is awkward
as the months slip into moments
and moments slip into graves, my favorite lines! (perhaps "and the moments into graves" ?
I will carry you to the edge of time,
across the rotting shell of this giant turtle, turtles all the way down
when the smoke has charred our lungs. inference of climate change or wild fires ?
You can pretend that you are still asleep
and we have both arrived home,
but let us radiate familiar warmth
for each other, from the bread and meat
in our stomachs, so I can bear you longer the bread and meat line doesn't add anything , for me
and you do not have to pretend.
And I will supply your rounds as long perhaps a simple "the" instead of "your" ?
as you can hold me to account for thoughts
and actions that aim the gun at you. highly unanticipated turn here ? contemplation of murder/suicide?
As the skyline bleeds, let our shadows
in the east amalgamate into night. suggest same swap as L.1, as it reads smoother when swapped
The title suggests that "we're in this together". Pretty nihilistic view expressed here. I think this one can be tightened up fairly easily: you don't need to shoot me in the eye with it, yet it could read smoother.
Thanks, alex,
Mark
Some in-line comments, below:
As the sun must set, so must our shadows
in the east amalgamate into night. maybe swap it to " amalamate in the east" ? When I swap it, it reads smoother.
So carry me across the stars and to
the edge of space, as we debride and salve had to stop to look up "debride" (threw off my reading)
the necrosis of empire. And a bit to wordy, for me, esp "empire". Turning on "and" is awkward
as the months slip into moments
and moments slip into graves, my favorite lines! (perhaps "and the moments into graves" ?
I will carry you to the edge of time,
across the rotting shell of this giant turtle, turtles all the way down
when the smoke has charred our lungs. inference of climate change or wild fires ?
You can pretend that you are still asleep
and we have both arrived home,
but let us radiate familiar warmth
for each other, from the bread and meat
in our stomachs, so I can bear you longer the bread and meat line doesn't add anything , for me
and you do not have to pretend.
And I will supply your rounds as long perhaps a simple "the" instead of "your" ?
as you can hold me to account for thoughts
and actions that aim the gun at you. highly unanticipated turn here ? contemplation of murder/suicide?
As the skyline bleeds, let our shadows
in the east amalgamate into night. suggest same swap as L.1, as it reads smoother when swapped
The title suggests that "we're in this together". Pretty nihilistic view expressed here. I think this one can be tightened up fairly easily: you don't need to shoot me in the eye with it, yet it could read smoother.
Thanks, alex,
Mark