10-15-2021, 09:26 AM
I would have made this a two-part poem, I think. I would have cut off Part I after "I am surrounded by time's sad call/realizing that all must go/eventually" and made the rest of it Part II.
Another thing I would change (and this may be a stylistic choice on your part) is where you start new lines. Sometimes, in the same strophe, you have a line that contains a complete phrase/sentence fragment, and then you'll chop up a phrase into several different lines right after, and I can't really find a pattern for it. For example:
"Surely he
can see
it too.
Perhaps he feels it too.
Perhaps we are not that different.
Perhaps our crime was kept in time
in the back of both of our minds"
For parallelism purposes I would have made "surely he can see it too" one line, so that it matched up with "perhaps he feels it too." Further down the same strophe you write:
"Perhaps our crime was kept in time
in the back of both of our minds,
winding
down our sin,
spinning
it into silk cloths"
I would have split it up like:
"winding down our sin,
spinning it
into silk cloths"
to make it flow a little better
Of course, since the theme of your poem seems to be "insanity," maybe you chose to break up the lines erratically to reflect the speaker's failing mental health. Overall, I enjoyed the despairing, melancholy vibe!
Another thing I would change (and this may be a stylistic choice on your part) is where you start new lines. Sometimes, in the same strophe, you have a line that contains a complete phrase/sentence fragment, and then you'll chop up a phrase into several different lines right after, and I can't really find a pattern for it. For example:
"Surely he
can see
it too.
Perhaps he feels it too.
Perhaps we are not that different.
Perhaps our crime was kept in time
in the back of both of our minds"
For parallelism purposes I would have made "surely he can see it too" one line, so that it matched up with "perhaps he feels it too." Further down the same strophe you write:
"Perhaps our crime was kept in time
in the back of both of our minds,
winding
down our sin,
spinning
it into silk cloths"
I would have split it up like:
"winding down our sin,
spinning it
into silk cloths"
to make it flow a little better
Of course, since the theme of your poem seems to be "insanity," maybe you chose to break up the lines erratically to reflect the speaker's failing mental health. Overall, I enjoyed the despairing, melancholy vibe!