10-11-2021, 10:17 PM
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Hi Beowulf.
For me there are too many questions being asked without any attempt to answer them (and in a couple of verses the effort of ensuring you end with a ? in noticeable). Overall this doesn't seem to be about the anonymous 'he' so much as the poet. Where are the details that bring 'him' to life? Why doesn't the 'first love' have a name? Which comic books did he prefer? Why was he a Beatles fan? Does he have brothers and/or sisters? Both parents? And, when does he take this 'journey'?
Via Crucis
I'm not religious, so there may be things I'm missing, but (acc. to wiki) Via Crucis 'refers to a series of images ...' and I'm just not seeing much here (visually, a list of rhetorical questions simply isn't that evocative, for me).
It is a journey whose path he has retraced
Too many times to enumerate. ......................... do yo need 'enumerate'? It's clearly implied, and it makes it seem like counting is the issue, which, obviously, it isn't.
Identical steps and faux pas committed
In repetition like a mantra. ............................... 'retraced' gives you 'repetition'
I don't think you need this verse, it may relate to the title, but it doesn't seem to connect with what follows. (Though see 'Just a thought', below).
What if one of the markers
That measured a life no longer existed?
This is general, but your examples are all particular. So
What if one of the markers
by which he measured his life no longer existed?
Also, given the title is 'markers' the right term?
What if the basement apartment was no longer
The first home for an immigrant family
What is that basement apartment was no longer
their first home? That immigrant family
Of six whose thread-bare existence .................. 'threadbare' isn't really pulling its weight.
Was supplanted via the cultural divide
Between the two solitudes? ............................... by what was it supplanted?
What if it did not include the first elementary school
Ever attended or the first memories
Of the depanneur where sports collectibles
And comic books were purchased
Along with jelly-bellies and jawbreakers? ....... at this point I'm asking 'so what if it didn't' How does eating or not eating a jawbreaker impact on his life. After the 'cultural divide' and 'two solitudes' of the previous verse, these examples are relatively trivial (or so they seem). 'He' still hasn't come to life by this point.
What if it did not encompass
The subway station where he last spoke
To his first love and how
In turning away her affections
He refuted his own – crushing her .............. the ? surely comes after 'his own', doesn't it? And 'crushing her' is very clunky.
Aspirations to forge a life
That he will never know?
The poems lexicon seems a bit muddled, from 'two solitudes' to 'jawbreakers' (OK, no problem with that) but then 'aspirations to forge a life' is flat and colourless.
What if a now empty and deserted St. Rita’s church ........ like St. Rita (having looked her up), patron saint of the impossible, great, but .... what impact does she have here?
Where he received his first communion
Adopting the Christian name John – not fashioned ......... Is that how it works, one 'adopts' a christian name? And that name is 'fashioned'?
After the Baptist but after the Beatle
Whom he so much wanted to, but
Could never emulate, was not built? ............................... that 'was not built' is a terrible construction. Which is the important element here, that the church was not built or that he can't emulate (again, poor word choice) Lennon? Arguably it's the latter and the church is irrelevant.
What if the final leg of the trek comes
To a close at the outdoor hockey rink
in St. Paul de la Croix park, the first place
where he started to skate on thin ice? .......................... now I really want an answer. What if it does, or stops a block earlier, or in a different town, or ... what is the sum up to which all these parts are supposed to add? I'm drawing a blank.
Just a thought
He retraces his journey like a mantra.
Every Sunday it is the same,
he makes his way past the house
that basement apartment
where ...
Past the elementary school
where ...
and the depanneur
where ...
Past the subway station
where ...
and St. Rita's Church
patron saint of the impossible
where ...
to the outdoor hockey rink
in St. Paul de la Croix park,
the first place where he started
to skate on thin ice.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Beowulf.
For me there are too many questions being asked without any attempt to answer them (and in a couple of verses the effort of ensuring you end with a ? in noticeable). Overall this doesn't seem to be about the anonymous 'he' so much as the poet. Where are the details that bring 'him' to life? Why doesn't the 'first love' have a name? Which comic books did he prefer? Why was he a Beatles fan? Does he have brothers and/or sisters? Both parents? And, when does he take this 'journey'?
Via Crucis
I'm not religious, so there may be things I'm missing, but (acc. to wiki) Via Crucis 'refers to a series of images ...' and I'm just not seeing much here (visually, a list of rhetorical questions simply isn't that evocative, for me).
It is a journey whose path he has retraced
Too many times to enumerate. ......................... do yo need 'enumerate'? It's clearly implied, and it makes it seem like counting is the issue, which, obviously, it isn't.
Identical steps and faux pas committed
In repetition like a mantra. ............................... 'retraced' gives you 'repetition'
I don't think you need this verse, it may relate to the title, but it doesn't seem to connect with what follows. (Though see 'Just a thought', below).
What if one of the markers
That measured a life no longer existed?
This is general, but your examples are all particular. So
What if one of the markers
by which he measured his life no longer existed?
Also, given the title is 'markers' the right term?
What if the basement apartment was no longer
The first home for an immigrant family
What is that basement apartment was no longer
their first home? That immigrant family
Of six whose thread-bare existence .................. 'threadbare' isn't really pulling its weight.
Was supplanted via the cultural divide
Between the two solitudes? ............................... by what was it supplanted?
What if it did not include the first elementary school
Ever attended or the first memories
Of the depanneur where sports collectibles
And comic books were purchased
Along with jelly-bellies and jawbreakers? ....... at this point I'm asking 'so what if it didn't' How does eating or not eating a jawbreaker impact on his life. After the 'cultural divide' and 'two solitudes' of the previous verse, these examples are relatively trivial (or so they seem). 'He' still hasn't come to life by this point.
What if it did not encompass
The subway station where he last spoke
To his first love and how
In turning away her affections
He refuted his own – crushing her .............. the ? surely comes after 'his own', doesn't it? And 'crushing her' is very clunky.
Aspirations to forge a life
That he will never know?
The poems lexicon seems a bit muddled, from 'two solitudes' to 'jawbreakers' (OK, no problem with that) but then 'aspirations to forge a life' is flat and colourless.
What if a now empty and deserted St. Rita’s church ........ like St. Rita (having looked her up), patron saint of the impossible, great, but .... what impact does she have here?
Where he received his first communion
Adopting the Christian name John – not fashioned ......... Is that how it works, one 'adopts' a christian name? And that name is 'fashioned'?
After the Baptist but after the Beatle
Whom he so much wanted to, but
Could never emulate, was not built? ............................... that 'was not built' is a terrible construction. Which is the important element here, that the church was not built or that he can't emulate (again, poor word choice) Lennon? Arguably it's the latter and the church is irrelevant.
What if the final leg of the trek comes
To a close at the outdoor hockey rink
in St. Paul de la Croix park, the first place
where he started to skate on thin ice? .......................... now I really want an answer. What if it does, or stops a block earlier, or in a different town, or ... what is the sum up to which all these parts are supposed to add? I'm drawing a blank.
Just a thought
He retraces his journey like a mantra.
Every Sunday it is the same,
he makes his way past the house
that basement apartment
where ...
Past the elementary school
where ...
and the depanneur
where ...
Past the subway station
where ...
and St. Rita's Church
patron saint of the impossible
where ...
to the outdoor hockey rink
in St. Paul de la Croix park,
the first place where he started
to skate on thin ice.
Best, Knot
.