10-02-2021, 02:16 PM
(10-02-2021, 01:48 PM)busker Wrote: Some interesting, if inconsistent imagery.Oop, you are right about the truck backing up, slipped my mind.
'Spreaded' should be replaced with 'spread'.
'Rotting' is not something that we associate with teeth. While the pulp can rot, the vast majority doesn't, and enamel itself is virtually indestructible. While we do refer to 'rotting teeth' in the context of someone with severe tooth decay, that is again, restricted to the pulp. In all probability, you do not intend to call the teeth literally rotten, but the choice of adjective serves to distract.
At any rate, 'crushed into dreams' is hard to make sense of. Maybe 'crushed like dreams' would be more appropriate.
A dump truck doesn't 'back away' after dumping, as it dumps at the back.
It is not the silhouette of a dump truck that pours etc but the truck itself.
On the positive side, 'tinker toys' as a metaphor for severed arms and legs is nice.
Good one.
EDIT - I have corrected my earlier point about 'crushed into dreams', because I missed the point about the tooth fairy. That's actually a clever idea. Nice one.
I was wondering if it was spread or spreaded so I just decided to go the safe route.
In this case the rotting teeth I may keep in because I don't think the audience will notice.
I was wondering if this was a little cliche but I think it was well recieved, thank you for being fair.
Tell me the next time you make a poem, I'll be happy to give my thoughts; though, I am new to critiqueing.

