09-27-2021, 07:58 PM
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Hi Tqb,
firstly, no idea what this is about (and it frequently seems more prose than poetry - assuming that means anything) and secondly (as usual) the title's no help and doesn't draw me in. But hey, that's me,
So,
The Cell I Was In ...............what cell? the jingling of keys does not a prison make.
Light was only Light.
The sun was as a leper
In a cloudless sky
and everyone's eyes
followed His Shadow
across Heaven.
The cataract of his voice
thundered, I blacked out. ...................... given your seven or eight Thunders still to come, perhaps revisit this one?
He pulled me up
by the nape of my sackcloth
jingled a pair of keys in my face.
"Hell and Death," was all he said.
Through a Door in the Sky
I thought I heard an elephant scream.
Blue sky became an asylum night,
starless, a light came shining
round the edges of a door
set in the darkness
where Heaven used to be.
A wind of demons
came out of the ground
and carried me, crying
through the door. ......................... any alternative to repeating door. Actually, do you need this section (the next subtitle tells us you go through the door)
What I Saw There
a man made of two-toned quartz:
bile turned into luminous stone,
opaque channels of meteoric blood
traced beneath skin of chalcedon and brass.
Enthroned on a sea of glass,
"I have in my hand a book," said the quartzite man, he said
"Sealed with seven locks."
Lightning chases its tail
thunder groans within
and without his carven thighs. ................... 'carven' is trying a bit too hard, I think. Sculptured?
A quartet of sleepless totems
lion-mouthed, ox-eared, eagle-tongued, almost human,
each with eyes in the back of its head. ............ repetition of 'eyes' (ox-eyed)
held the throne, ............................................... how 'held the throne'? I thought the man 'enthroned'.
Like demonic carneys hustling a circus crowd in Hell,
the totems echoed: . "Who will break the seven locks?" .... 'carneys'? and they're not echoing, they're asking!
The Lamb
there used to be an outpost of the Apocalypse,
On the plaza in Taos, the Governor Bent Museum.
The Future's victims, called themselves tourists,
wandered dark aisles, gazing upon devil-fish,
muskets, Indian skulls, Penitente whips,
and a two-headed lamb in an old glass case.
Mr. Ed's Revenge
In terror I saw ....................................................... why is N terrified, do you need this line?
....
I don't think this section works as well as any of the previous, seems muddled, as if a narrative step has been skipped.
Sometimes We Forget How Well It Works
The sun put on its hairshirt,
and the moon was red with blood
stars fell like molten figs,
blistering the paint off cars. .................... seems a little weak as a consequence. Hardly devastating. And you don't mention cars again, so why bother here?
Heaven became like an abandoned drive-in,
its vacant screen torn and soiled,
weeds clustering among regiments of metal posts,
where low budget oracles once were sought.
And CEOs from every Multinational,
and their lawyers and their accountants and their politicians ...... the list is too long and ruins the flow.
fled to the ghettos and slums of the cities, ............ is there a sufficient distinction to be drawn between slum and ghetto?
crying out, "Hide us from the quartzite man
and his two-headed lamb!" ....................................................... not buying this ending.
The sun put on its hair-shirt,
and the moon was red with blood
the stars they fell like molten figs,
Heaven was an abandoned lot
a drive-in with its vacant screen
blank and torn and soiled, weeds
where low budget oracles
were once sought. And CEOs
fled to the ghettos, the outskirts
of the cities, offering anything
.........
Divertissement
I watched the rockets' plumes fade in a cloudless sky.
Canned laughter became a rattle
weathermen mapped the casualties
And there was silence for the space of a sit-com. .... my favourite line
A marching angelic band, obscured by clouds of incense, .......... 'cloudless' now 'clouds'?
entertained the quartzite man with a medley:
The National Anthem, the theme from Patton, the Star Spangled Banner.
Then came the solos:
a first wave of ICBMs came down
like icicles in July, returning to the sky
in a cloudy hail of shrapnelled light.
In one breath cities became pits of cooling slag.
a second wave was blown awry
by the electromagnetic backwash of the first
and flung randomly into the seas.
The last wave fused into a falling star
named Wormwood, penetrating into the Ur- spring of Eden,
raping the waters with its bitter seed.
Weathermen mapped the casualties.
Hunchbacked light miscreated day and night.
I'd cut pretty much everything but the first two lines. You don't need to describe the consequence that must clearly follow from L2. And your 'subtitle' promises short!
Abaddon's Lambs ................. needs a different title (after two-headed lamb).
Deep in forgotten bomb shelters .................... who is left to forget? Do we know at this point?
locusts gathered, devouring stale crackers
and instant milk. Radiation seeped into the gloom,
mankind's plague was their milk and honey.
Meekly they supped on the missiles' manna,
mutating while above them in the half-world
Death took in his early harvest.
Locust eyes brightened in the man-made grottoes
remembering generations crushed under heel and toes,
legs torn off to entertain stumbling children,
fishing hooks drawn through locust bodies
for the fish to devour.
A messiah arose among them, name Abaddon.
He sang the history of their torments, then brought out a mirror. ............. you've 'the history of their torments' (which is fine) but you've already spelled this out in L9-12. Why the repetition?
"See how you have changed, my brothers!"
They looked and saw in the dim reflection:
shining exoskeletal armor sheathing huge bodies,
Homeric, flowing manes, and a glint of fangs.
Scorpion tails arched over their backs.
Abaddon leading, they poured from their pits,
a stinging horde caring only to hurt men.
For a long summer season, their torment ruled. ............. who men? Where did they come from?
It's too long, tighten it up.
Carnival on the Euphrates
It was a carousel from Hell,
brainchild of four paroled Angels
resurrected from a watery prison
in the river Euphrates.
Its robotic riders were made of sapphire.
Dr. Moreau might have fabricated the horses:
lion-heads, horse-bodies, serpent tails.
monsters that spewed fire and smoke and sulphur
as it spun across the night skies
incinerating mesmerized spectators.
But two-thirds of what was left of mankind
were safe inside watching TV.
Thisone is rather weak, for me, and shouldn't it come before Abaddon?
The Seven Thunders
Next thing I knew ............... I'd forgotten you were here, it's been that long, and what does 'next thing I knew' mean? Last time you were here you were watching the rockets plumes. You're alluding to a narrative that I'm simply not following, so I'll stop here. Thunder and the Seven thunders? Really. (And 'text lost' feels like cheating at this point in the piece.)
Best, Knot
.
Hi Tqb,
firstly, no idea what this is about (and it frequently seems more prose than poetry - assuming that means anything) and secondly (as usual) the title's no help and doesn't draw me in. But hey, that's me,
So,
The Cell I Was In ...............what cell? the jingling of keys does not a prison make.
Light was only Light.
The sun was as a leper
In a cloudless sky
and everyone's eyes
followed His Shadow
across Heaven.
The cataract of his voice
thundered, I blacked out. ...................... given your seven or eight Thunders still to come, perhaps revisit this one?
He pulled me up
by the nape of my sackcloth
jingled a pair of keys in my face.
"Hell and Death," was all he said.
Through a Door in the Sky
I thought I heard an elephant scream.
Blue sky became an asylum night,
starless, a light came shining
round the edges of a door
set in the darkness
where Heaven used to be.
A wind of demons
came out of the ground
and carried me, crying
through the door. ......................... any alternative to repeating door. Actually, do you need this section (the next subtitle tells us you go through the door)
What I Saw There
a man made of two-toned quartz:
bile turned into luminous stone,
opaque channels of meteoric blood
traced beneath skin of chalcedon and brass.
Enthroned on a sea of glass,
"I have in my hand a book," said the quartzite man, he said
"Sealed with seven locks."
Lightning chases its tail
thunder groans within
and without his carven thighs. ................... 'carven' is trying a bit too hard, I think. Sculptured?
A quartet of sleepless totems
lion-mouthed, ox-eared, eagle-tongued, almost human,
each with eyes in the back of its head. ............ repetition of 'eyes' (ox-eyed)
held the throne, ............................................... how 'held the throne'? I thought the man 'enthroned'.
Like demonic carneys hustling a circus crowd in Hell,
the totems echoed: . "Who will break the seven locks?" .... 'carneys'? and they're not echoing, they're asking!
The Lamb
there used to be an outpost of the Apocalypse,
On the plaza in Taos, the Governor Bent Museum.
The Future's victims, called themselves tourists,
wandered dark aisles, gazing upon devil-fish,
muskets, Indian skulls, Penitente whips,
and a two-headed lamb in an old glass case.
Mr. Ed's Revenge
In terror I saw ....................................................... why is N terrified, do you need this line?
....
I don't think this section works as well as any of the previous, seems muddled, as if a narrative step has been skipped.
Sometimes We Forget How Well It Works
The sun put on its hairshirt,
and the moon was red with blood
stars fell like molten figs,
blistering the paint off cars. .................... seems a little weak as a consequence. Hardly devastating. And you don't mention cars again, so why bother here?
Heaven became like an abandoned drive-in,
its vacant screen torn and soiled,
weeds clustering among regiments of metal posts,
where low budget oracles once were sought.
And CEOs from every Multinational,
and their lawyers and their accountants and their politicians ...... the list is too long and ruins the flow.
fled to the ghettos and slums of the cities, ............ is there a sufficient distinction to be drawn between slum and ghetto?
crying out, "Hide us from the quartzite man
and his two-headed lamb!" ....................................................... not buying this ending.
The sun put on its hair-shirt,
and the moon was red with blood
the stars they fell like molten figs,
Heaven was an abandoned lot
a drive-in with its vacant screen
blank and torn and soiled, weeds
where low budget oracles
were once sought. And CEOs
fled to the ghettos, the outskirts
of the cities, offering anything
.........
Divertissement
I watched the rockets' plumes fade in a cloudless sky.
Canned laughter became a rattle
weathermen mapped the casualties
And there was silence for the space of a sit-com. .... my favourite line
A marching angelic band, obscured by clouds of incense, .......... 'cloudless' now 'clouds'?
entertained the quartzite man with a medley:
The National Anthem, the theme from Patton, the Star Spangled Banner.
Then came the solos:
a first wave of ICBMs came down
like icicles in July, returning to the sky
in a cloudy hail of shrapnelled light.
In one breath cities became pits of cooling slag.
a second wave was blown awry
by the electromagnetic backwash of the first
and flung randomly into the seas.
The last wave fused into a falling star
named Wormwood, penetrating into the Ur- spring of Eden,
raping the waters with its bitter seed.
Weathermen mapped the casualties.
Hunchbacked light miscreated day and night.
I'd cut pretty much everything but the first two lines. You don't need to describe the consequence that must clearly follow from L2. And your 'subtitle' promises short!
Abaddon's Lambs ................. needs a different title (after two-headed lamb).
Deep in forgotten bomb shelters .................... who is left to forget? Do we know at this point?
locusts gathered, devouring stale crackers
and instant milk. Radiation seeped into the gloom,
mankind's plague was their milk and honey.
Meekly they supped on the missiles' manna,
mutating while above them in the half-world
Death took in his early harvest.
Locust eyes brightened in the man-made grottoes
remembering generations crushed under heel and toes,
legs torn off to entertain stumbling children,
fishing hooks drawn through locust bodies
for the fish to devour.
A messiah arose among them, name Abaddon.
He sang the history of their torments, then brought out a mirror. ............. you've 'the history of their torments' (which is fine) but you've already spelled this out in L9-12. Why the repetition?
"See how you have changed, my brothers!"
They looked and saw in the dim reflection:
shining exoskeletal armor sheathing huge bodies,
Homeric, flowing manes, and a glint of fangs.
Scorpion tails arched over their backs.
Abaddon leading, they poured from their pits,
a stinging horde caring only to hurt men.
For a long summer season, their torment ruled. ............. who men? Where did they come from?
It's too long, tighten it up.
Carnival on the Euphrates
It was a carousel from Hell,
brainchild of four paroled Angels
resurrected from a watery prison
in the river Euphrates.
Its robotic riders were made of sapphire.
Dr. Moreau might have fabricated the horses:
lion-heads, horse-bodies, serpent tails.
monsters that spewed fire and smoke and sulphur
as it spun across the night skies
incinerating mesmerized spectators.
But two-thirds of what was left of mankind
were safe inside watching TV.
Thisone is rather weak, for me, and shouldn't it come before Abaddon?
The Seven Thunders
Next thing I knew ............... I'd forgotten you were here, it's been that long, and what does 'next thing I knew' mean? Last time you were here you were watching the rockets plumes. You're alluding to a narrative that I'm simply not following, so I'll stop here. Thunder and the Seven thunders? Really. (And 'text lost' feels like cheating at this point in the piece.)
Best, Knot
.