09-24-2021, 07:27 PM
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Hi ISaw,
thanks for the 'little' light.
To start out with, you were correct in assuming that this poem is about lust, but not just about the sexual aspect of things, rather the longing of being close
Hey, I'm quite impressed I got the lust part, but I can see what your saying.
The intricate design was woven into his wings which symbolizes that this was not who he was beforehand. It was woven in. (The darkness or corruption, if you will)
In which case, might I suggest something that makes that a little clearer,
the lines "When I gaze upon the face of the man" speaks of an image that I have of him in my mind. It speaks of laying in my bed and picturing the image of him but finding that, that is not reality any longer, rather, it is just a memory and he is gone.
Yes, got that. (Though I thought he was actually there when you realised this).
So, I, being weary from my longing and the emotions that come with missing him, roll over onto my side and close my eyes, and fall asleep, purposefully so that I can dream about him.
The 'so that I can dream about him' part was not clear, to me, anyway. I think it's perhaps the unfamiliar phrase 'planted fantasy' that hinders here. Given how important that is to the piece, is there any way to make clear what you mean by it?
The mention of hell is there because in my waking life that is what it feels like, having to be torn away from him, so the mirror is there, where in real life I'm feeling like I'm in hell and those feelings are strong, but in my dreams when I see him I feel ecstasy.
Got you, but I still find 'as one would in hell' problematic. Where's the answer to the 'why' of that?
Sitting on my knees is referring to kneeling, almost in a posture of humility, and signifying that I feel as if I am begging him to come back so often, that even in my sleep, I'm doing that very thing.
Like I say, it was the phrasing that gave me pause, but perhaps this is one of those things that makes sense to an American (as I assume you are) that doesn't to a Brit. I'd still go with kneeling though, why complicate where you don't have to?
When I say that his eyes are silken, I am saying that they are soft in nature. Tender, almost. There's an affection and a gentleness there. Interesting (and fair enough) though 'red eyes' tends to suggest malevolence rather that affection/gentleness (or, alternatively, weeping).
And the last few lines are about him leaving (fleeing into the hills) and he felt like my home so he carried that away with him. In a poem I have not posted, I liken him to Rome, because in that poem I write that he is my muse and is the beauty that sits high atop the hill, shining down upon me and then I ask what I have done to ever gain his eyes looking at me. Rome is essentially likened to a beautiful, remote land that is something I could never attain but somehow I did. A ha. I wondered about that, but Seraph had me searching for religious explanations (and considering the dim view that Protestants take of Rome and all things Roman).
Also, in my defence, difficult to know what has already been established in a previous poem (is it somewhere in the Pen, by the way?)
And once again, now that he's gone, he has taken that with him. Hence, why I say "and now you have brought my home, my Rome, with you but I am not there. I am here." Maybe another US/UK divide here, but, as I said, I had difficulties with 'brought'. Perhaps
Thank you for mentioning those things, by the way. No problem. Good luck with the revision.
Best, Knot
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Hi ISaw,
thanks for the 'little' light.
To start out with, you were correct in assuming that this poem is about lust, but not just about the sexual aspect of things, rather the longing of being close
Hey, I'm quite impressed I got the lust part, but I can see what your saying.
The intricate design was woven into his wings which symbolizes that this was not who he was beforehand. It was woven in. (The darkness or corruption, if you will)
In which case, might I suggest something that makes that a little clearer,
A black design,
intricate, seductive
is woven into the seraph's wings.
the lines "When I gaze upon the face of the man" speaks of an image that I have of him in my mind. It speaks of laying in my bed and picturing the image of him but finding that, that is not reality any longer, rather, it is just a memory and he is gone.
Yes, got that. (Though I thought he was actually there when you realised this).
So, I, being weary from my longing and the emotions that come with missing him, roll over onto my side and close my eyes, and fall asleep, purposefully so that I can dream about him.
The 'so that I can dream about him' part was not clear, to me, anyway. I think it's perhaps the unfamiliar phrase 'planted fantasy' that hinders here. Given how important that is to the piece, is there any way to make clear what you mean by it?
The mention of hell is there because in my waking life that is what it feels like, having to be torn away from him, so the mirror is there, where in real life I'm feeling like I'm in hell and those feelings are strong, but in my dreams when I see him I feel ecstasy.
Got you, but I still find 'as one would in hell' problematic. Where's the answer to the 'why' of that?
Sitting on my knees is referring to kneeling, almost in a posture of humility, and signifying that I feel as if I am begging him to come back so often, that even in my sleep, I'm doing that very thing.
Like I say, it was the phrasing that gave me pause, but perhaps this is one of those things that makes sense to an American (as I assume you are) that doesn't to a Brit. I'd still go with kneeling though, why complicate where you don't have to?
When I say that his eyes are silken, I am saying that they are soft in nature. Tender, almost. There's an affection and a gentleness there. Interesting (and fair enough) though 'red eyes' tends to suggest malevolence rather that affection/gentleness (or, alternatively, weeping).
And the last few lines are about him leaving (fleeing into the hills) and he felt like my home so he carried that away with him. In a poem I have not posted, I liken him to Rome, because in that poem I write that he is my muse and is the beauty that sits high atop the hill, shining down upon me and then I ask what I have done to ever gain his eyes looking at me. Rome is essentially likened to a beautiful, remote land that is something I could never attain but somehow I did. A ha. I wondered about that, but Seraph had me searching for religious explanations (and considering the dim view that Protestants take of Rome and all things Roman).
Also, in my defence, difficult to know what has already been established in a previous poem (is it somewhere in the Pen, by the way?)
And once again, now that he's gone, he has taken that with him. Hence, why I say "and now you have brought my home, my Rome, with you but I am not there. I am here." Maybe another US/UK divide here, but, as I said, I had difficulties with 'brought'. Perhaps
because you have fled into the hills
and have carried off my Rome,
my home,
with you
but I am not there. ....... still don't think you need this, it's strongly implied by the last line.
I am here.
Thank you for mentioning those things, by the way. No problem. Good luck with the revision.
Best, Knot
.