09-23-2021, 11:08 PM
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Hi ISaw,
I'm not religious, so if I've misunderstood, just ignore me.
Seraph leads to burning leads to lust (mistaken for love, perhaps)? To me this seems like a search for true love (temporal or spiritual).
I think the poem is a little muddled. I liked the opening verse, but then kept waiting for the blackened wings to beat, but they don't. Having to italicise that to ensure the emphasis is a bit of a weakness I think. And that last line, 'quarantined' as you have it from the rest, makes your intention much harder to discern.
Just a thought ... or two.
"those who kindle or make hot" (quote from wiki/seraphs)
The Seraph with Blackened Wings .......... not keen on this title as the Seraph isn't the subject of the piece.
A black, intricate design
is woven into the seraph's wings.
an archangel graces my bed
but when I gaze upon his face
I find a man, with weary heart,
I roll over onto my side and fall,
as one falls, into the depths of hell ........ this feels a little overwrought (but may just be me)
and I feel the deepest feelings
as one would feel in hell ...................... don't really follow this couplet, why would one feel more in Hell? And 'deepest' after 'depths' is poor.
Given that this (below) sounds like the start of a prayer, do you need 'I sit on my knees' (whatever that means, sounds like a contortionist's posture, but I think you just mean kneel)
Oh, angel that has graced my presence, .......... any alternative to avoid repeating 'grace'?
the crux of my existence, bringer of light,
I beg for your red, silken eyes to rise .......... 'silken'?
to mine
in a place that is not a planted fantasy,
in a place that is not a planted fantasy, ....... like the pleading quality of this. Works well after 'beg'. I read your explanation for these lines, is there a more universally understood term than 'planted fantasy'? It sounds very contemporary and made me think of 'false memories' (not, I think, what you were intending?)
but instead, reality .................................... I don't think this is necessary give that you've repeated 'not' (and presuming that the opposite of (a divine) planted fantasy would be reality)
because you have fled into the hills ..........are the 'hills' just here because of Rome? If so cut the line. Or is this something to do with Matthew 24:15-25? (Which I don't understand, but that's just me.)
and have brought my home, ..................... confused by 'brought', it suggests that you are also in 'the hills' (whatever or wherever they are).
my Rome, ................................................ all your sins? Lust etc? If so I like it. (If not, I still like it). Is it an alternative to Babylon?
with you
but I am not there. .................................I'm not sure where 'there' is.
I am here. .............................................. think you can cut this, and remove the empty space before the final line.
I am not.
Best, Knot
.
Hi ISaw,
I'm not religious, so if I've misunderstood, just ignore me.
Seraph leads to burning leads to lust (mistaken for love, perhaps)? To me this seems like a search for true love (temporal or spiritual).
I think the poem is a little muddled. I liked the opening verse, but then kept waiting for the blackened wings to beat, but they don't. Having to italicise that to ensure the emphasis is a bit of a weakness I think. And that last line, 'quarantined' as you have it from the rest, makes your intention much harder to discern.
Just a thought ... or two.
"those who kindle or make hot" (quote from wiki/seraphs)
The Seraph with Blackened Wings .......... not keen on this title as the Seraph isn't the subject of the piece.
A black, intricate design
is woven into the seraph's wings.
an archangel graces my bed
but when I gaze upon his face
I find a man, with weary heart,
I roll over onto my side and fall,
as one falls, into the depths of hell ........ this feels a little overwrought (but may just be me)
and I feel the deepest feelings
as one would feel in hell ...................... don't really follow this couplet, why would one feel more in Hell? And 'deepest' after 'depths' is poor.
Given that this (below) sounds like the start of a prayer, do you need 'I sit on my knees' (whatever that means, sounds like a contortionist's posture, but I think you just mean kneel)
Oh, angel that has graced my presence, .......... any alternative to avoid repeating 'grace'?
the crux of my existence, bringer of light,
I beg for your red, silken eyes to rise .......... 'silken'?
to mine
in a place that is not a planted fantasy,
in a place that is not a planted fantasy, ....... like the pleading quality of this. Works well after 'beg'. I read your explanation for these lines, is there a more universally understood term than 'planted fantasy'? It sounds very contemporary and made me think of 'false memories' (not, I think, what you were intending?)
but instead, reality .................................... I don't think this is necessary give that you've repeated 'not' (and presuming that the opposite of (a divine) planted fantasy would be reality)
because you have fled into the hills ..........are the 'hills' just here because of Rome? If so cut the line. Or is this something to do with Matthew 24:15-25? (Which I don't understand, but that's just me.)
and have brought my home, ..................... confused by 'brought', it suggests that you are also in 'the hills' (whatever or wherever they are).
my Rome, ................................................ all your sins? Lust etc? If so I like it. (If not, I still like it). Is it an alternative to Babylon?
with you
but I am not there. .................................I'm not sure where 'there' is.
I am here. .............................................. think you can cut this, and remove the empty space before the final line.
I am not.
Best, Knot
.