The Seraph With Blackened Wings

[alonso ramoran]

A black but intricate design how does an intricate design contrast enough with black to permit the use of "but"? Why not just "and"? Also is the design black or the seraph's wings? And what is this design intricate like? Is there anything you could compare it to to ground the image?
is woven into the seraph's wings.


He is an archangel gracing my bed
but when I gaze upon the face rewrite as "his face" then you could probably cut the next line
of the man
I find that reality no longer "I no longer find reality" to be more concise
and that there is no dark seraph
at all in my presence you could omit "at all"
and so I,
with weary heart "heart" seems like filler, you could just write weary or draw a comparison to something else to convey that weariness. Probably best to do the latter imo
roll over onto my side
and close both heavy,
ever dimming eyes ever-dimming
and I fall into the depths
of a planted fantasy,
as one falls into the depths of hell
and I feel the deepest feelings
as one would feel in hell why would someone feel the deepest feelings in hell?
but on the opposite end of the spectrum,
ecstasy,
until I am stirred from my slumber I don't think "from my slumber" is needed. "I am stirred" pretty much already implies the N was sleeping esp within the context of a poem set in bed
where I groan
because the dark seraph is elsewhere.


Oh, angel that has graced my presence,
the crux of my existence,
the bringer of light
with your wings as black as night, "black as night" seems uninspired and is pretty much a cliche. If you have to compare the blackness of the wings to night, maybe writing it as a metaphor would work better than a simile. Also, what type of night sky? Starry? Clear?
I sit on my knees
in my very sleep
and I beg for your red but silken eyes silken is interesting
to rise
to mine
in a place that is not a planted fantasy,
in a place that is not a planted fantasy,the repetition here is interesting but I don't understand it's purpose nor does it feel needed
but instead, reality
because you have fled into the hills
and have brought my home,
my Rome, Unsure why Rome is mentioned, might be missing context
with you
but I am not there.
I am here.


I am not. Ending is unclear for me

Thank you for sharing,

Alex